I know its been awhile since I have gone backwards in my journey so today...Im going to take a step back.  Lets just call it a Flashback Friday!! I wanted to write this particular blog because I think its important for patients to be aware of some of the things they never tell you.  Also, this is the reality of chemo. This is what it did to me.  Please don't read this and think the same things will happen to you.  Some people float through chemo with very little problems.   And all in all, it could have been much worse....I guess. 

As happy as you see me in this photo, was about as happy as I was to be at this 2nd treatment.  Its hard now...to even look at that picture because I know what this all felt like for me.  This post isn't the easiest because I am going back to a very horrible time for me. Though I didn't experience too many side effects from my first infusion, I was aware that they would be accumulative so I wasn't sure what to expect this next time around.  Little did I know...I wouldn't even make it past the first hour without experiencing one of the crazy side effects, I believe most doctors don't tell you about. I do not want to scare anyone or bring any negative thoughts to those who might be starting chemo soon but, again, its important that I remain honest. 

So, as you know from my first chemo treatment, they give you lots of premeds to avoid many things from happening.  One being the nausea, the other being an allergic reaction.  I had no idea an allergic reaction was something that could even happen.  I would soon find out after all of my premeds were done being injected in to my veins.  

So here comes that wonderful bag...You know the one with "TOXIC" written all over it, the one that gets delivered to me by a nurse covered in head to toe, the poison?  I remember actually feeling pretty optimistic because my first 2 weeks weren't too bad.  After the chemo infusion began, that quickly changed.  I am not sure how I was able to determine that something was wrong as fast as I did.  I guess you just know when something "isn't right" and that's exactly what I said to my husband.  I don't think he really understood what I was trying to tell him but I asked him to get the nurses as fast as he could.  When they finally came over, my heart was racing, my blood pressure sky rocketed, I remember saying that I just felt really funny.  I had no idea what was going on at the time.  I was also having a hard time trusting my nurses at that point.  They wanted to give me meds to counteract the reaction and I didn't want any more meds.  My husband encouraged me to just trust them and let them do whatever it was they needed to do...and so I did. I am pretty sure they gave me Benedryl and Adivan and who knows what else.  This concoction would become a part of every single treatment from here on out.  In addition to that, we learned that I did better with slow infusions.  My nurse thinks the reaction I had was because my "drip" was too fast.  The rest of the infusion was a blur to me as I was knocked out from the cocktail of crazy drugs I had been given. 

I never really felt terrible on the days that I had chemo.  In fact, I cant honestly say that any of my side effects were ever consistent with ones from the time before.  For some people, side effects are cumulative.  For me, they definitely were.  I remember my nurse saying to me..."It's like a boxing match, you just keep getting knocked down...you get back up and then we knock you down again".  So essentially...you are in the fight for your life.  That's how I interpreted that.  Within 2 days of my treatment, I would understand why chemo was so hard.  I was exhausted.  I was tired.  I didn't want to do anything except for sleep.  I, personally, could deal with the nausea, and the lack of appetite, the headaches, and the body pains.  There were pills to help cope with all of that.  There was no magic pill that would take away my fatigue which made it the worst side effect I would experience.  I always felt tired. For the first 2 months while I received the A/C cocktail, all I wanted to do was sleep.  There was also no magic pill that was going to keep my hair from falling out.  These were all just really shitty things I had to deal with so that my life could be saved from this stupid fucking cancer. 

Another odd side effect was from my Neulasta shots.  I received Neulasta 24 hours after every single infusion.  I sometimes believed that most of my side effects came from Neulasta and not the actual chemo itself.  Neulasta is used with certain chemotherapy regimens to lessen the incidence of chemotherapy-induced neutropenia, thus reducing the risk of infection. The drug works by stimulating the bone marrow to produce new granulocytes. This stimulation of the bone marrow often leads to some degree of bone pain.  I am so thankful that my nurse suggested for me to take Claritin and Aleve the day of my shot and the few days following.  Though I am not exactly sure how much this helped but I have to imagine to some degree it did. 

My infusions were always on a Monday, my Neulasta on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was down for the count.  The pain associated with the Neulasta shot was nothing short of the worst flu like symptoms you might ever encounter.  I would stay in bed and sleep for the 3-4 days following this.  There would be a point during every cycle...where I would finally make my way out of the bedroom and do my best at functioning somehow.  It was usually by this time, that I would become very sad and depressed because I was quickly reminded of everything I was incapable of doing anymore.  As my treatments continued...this just got worse.  I cannot even imagine what it must have been like for everyone else to watch me go through this because for me, this is when reality set in.  This was when I started to "feel sick".  At times I had wished I never even found my cancer because I didn't feel sick before any of this.   This was when my fatigue became incredibly difficult for me.  Some days, I felt like all I could do to stay alive was remind myself to keep breathing.  I think that sometimes, I just wanted to sleep because I was so depressed.  I just wanted the bad days to go away.  I wanted to get to the next infusion so that I would be that much closer to the end of it all. 

I don't plan on writing too many more posts about chemo.  Its hard for me to go back and remember how horrible it was for me.  Its partly why I become so anxious and depressed at times.  I fear ever having to go through this again.  I sometimes wonder if I could even do it again which makes my brain spiral out of control.  I believe this to be true for most.  Sure cancer is a really scary thing.  Even though it sounds like a death sentence...it's not.  But the chemo can feel like death at times and I fear ever having to go through that again.  Fact of the matter is I fear lots of things that come along with this.

So with that being said, I want to end this blog on a positive note.  I am teaching myself to acknowledge these challenges, these bad days, and these fears...but to figure out a way to end those thoughts in a positive way.  So here goes...Today, I am thankful that I have my health and the hair on my head.  I am thankful that I was able to start working out again this week.  I am thankful that this weekend,  I will be picking up my camera again for 3 amazing photo shoots.  I am thankful that I have today. 

I found this screen shot on my phone the other day.  I found it a few days after I was diagnosed and I always try and refer back to it during those tough moments.  I hope maybe during your rough moments, you can read this and remember to live in the present.  The past is the past and it does not in any way predict your future. 

This was not what I had intentions of writing about this week. I have been traveling and then gearing up for surgery and had planned on telling you all about that.  With the recent passing of Robin Williams and various other media frenzies going on, I decided I was going to change the tune a bit with this post.  Since my most recent blog post was about the little moment of depression I was experiencing myself, I thought I would elaborate a little bit more on something that I don't think a lot of people realize.  I think most people float through life selfish and judgmental and don't stop to think about what a small selfless act might do for someone else.  On the other side of that, I dont think that most people understand how a dirty look, or a pointing finger, or an awkward stare can affect someone either.  I am sure you have heard the quote above a million times. 

I have always wondered why it is so hard for people to just be nice.  I am by no means perfect, but I definitely make a very conscious effort to not judge others and to be a good person in life.  I am confident that whenever I have the opportunity to put a smile on someone's face by helping them out when I can, I will.  This goes for strangers, this goes for my fellow breasties, and of course my friends and family.   I do my best to not judge others, especially after everything I have been through in the last year.  I don't think anybody would look at me now and think for one second that most of my days are filled with anxiety.  I won't go as far as saying that I am depressed daily, because I am not, but I have my days.  Those days are usually filled with fear more than anything else, with this little hamster that runs around in my head and comes up with all kinds of crazy scenarios for what the future might hold. The more women I meet who have been through this, the more "normal", or less crazy,  I am beginning to feel again.  More importantly, for myself, I am slowly learning what it is I need to do to wake up and find a little happy in every day.  I usually start off my day by reminding myself that I am not going to find out I have cancer today, so I might as well enjoy the day because no one is guaranteed tomorrow.  It is my best attempt at reminding myself to be positive, to enjoy my day, and to not obsess over every little thing my body has going on.  Some days it works, others days...not so much. 

While I know most of my readers are cancer survivors...I have become aware that I also have readers who are going through their own personal battles completely unrelated to cancer.  So this post isn't necessarily for my fellow breasties, its for everyone.  I have said this before and I will say it again.  I think it is so important to find patience within yourself with whatever it is you are going through.  Whatever it is might not be solved overnight, or in a week, or a month...but this too shall pass.  We all have people who love us, who support us, who care for us, and who want nothing but the best for us.  I think it is so important to hold on to that.  I think it is important to focus on the things that bring you happiness in life.  Even if it is just one thing, every day.  Find it.  Think about it for a few minutes.  Take your mind off of all the bullshit that consumes your brain and give yourself a chance to smile every day, even if its just for a few minutes. I know it is easier said than done, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW...but its doable.  I am absolutely no expert in any of this...but I can tell you that I do my best every day...and that's all I can do.  It's really all anyone can do. 

A little over a month ago, I decided to start my 100 happy days.  Everyday, I post a picture of something that makes me happy on that day. It keeps my focus going in a positive direction and some days, I find myself just waiting for that happy moment to happen.  I have missed a couple of days here and there and its then that I know I need to focus a little harder and dig a little deeper to find it.  For me, this has been a great tool and I highly recommend trying it yourself.  Everyone could use a little more happiness right?  Even if you don't share it with the world on social media, take a picture of something, and just look at that picture for a minute and focus on why it makes you so happy.  It can be something as little as a cup of coffee or as grand as the ocean.  I promise, if anything else, it will calm your mind down for a few minutes and bring you a little peace. 

If you want to know another way to feel good about yourself, and to find happiness within yourself...just be nice to other people.  Do what you can for others whenever you have the opportunity to do it.  Even if it's just to compliment a random stranger.  Do it without talking about it. No one needs to know but you and I can promise you, that you just made someone's day.   I remember the first time I left my house bald. I was so scared, I cried the whole car ride there.  I even had to stop at the store and get more make up because I cried it all off.   That night, a stranger came up to me and told me how beautiful I was.  I said thank you and she said, no really...you really do rock that look.  I smiled.  I felt so good about myself after that.  A random stranger changed everything for me in about 10 seconds.  Of course my husband always told me how beautiful I was without hair but he sees and loves me unconditionally.  I was always more worried about other people looking at me and knowing I was "sick" because I was bald.  The fact that a stranger pulled me aside, at a loud concert nonetheless, made me feel so good about myself.  I bring this particular story up because from that point on, I never wore a wig, I never wore a scarf, I ALWAYS left my house bald after that.  One person, one stranger, changed my entire point of view of myself in that moment.  I wish I could find her and thank her, and really let her know what she did for me that night.  Instead, I will spread her word to you and hope that you'll take a little something from that.  Not only do I hope that you will bring happiness to others, but I hope you will find happiness in yourself by doing so.  I hope that you will do your best not to judge others because you never know what someone else might be up against. 

I started this particular blog because I was given a gift today from someone whom I have not talked to in awhile. Someone who is going through their own personal battles.  This happened a few weeks ago, as well, when flowers were delivered to me while I was on vacation from another friend of mine.   After receiving todays gift with a letter about how much my blog inspires them, I started to think.  I love writing.  I love that I been given this little gift to turn a really shitty situation, in to something that has helped others.  It makes me feel proud of myself but more importantly it helps me too.  When I get an instagram message, an email, a text, or a phone call from someone telling me how much I have helped them...it makes me happy.  In some really crazy way, it brings light to why this has all happened.  I want to thank my readers for encouraging me to continue on this blogging journey.  Though I know I have inspired many of you, you have all inspired me as well. 

So with that being said...go find your happy today.  You deserve a little bit in every single day you wake up.  Cry if you have to, lean on your friends when you need to (that's what their there for), and whenever you can, do your best to make others smile.  Don't be ashamed of your bad days and don't be ashamed to get your feelings out....even if it's just on paper.  This blog just happens to be my pen and paper.  Oh...and be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and just be nice to others.  Everyone deserves at least that, don't they? 

I am thrilled that my plastic surgeons office asked me to do this video testimonial for them.  As you have read in previous posts, I love them.  They have given me so much hope and happiness for what lies ahead both physically and mentally.  I am excited for my exchange surgery happening in just 2 short weeks.  August 14 is the big day that I can put all of this reconstruction behind me!!!  Watch my video testimonial.  I hope you will find comfort in whatever decisions you choose with regards to surgery.  I hope that after watching this video, it will loosen up some of your fears should you choose a mastectomy.  I know its scary, I have been there.  Recovery is challenging but YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH IT!!!

I have been struggling with the idea of writing this blog post since These feelings have begun.  What is finally motivating me to do it, is the fact that I KNOW I am not alone.  It seems whenever I post anything on my social media sites, women reply with the exact emotions.  So this might be my most vulnerable post yet.  I might struggle emotionally to get through this one but I have to do this.  Not only do I have to do this so that I can get this out of my head and share with EVERYONE these very real and scary feelings...but I absolutely need other women to open up and share your feelings at the bottom of this post.  I also want anyone who knows someone going through cancer or post cancer to understand what this feels like from someone willing to share the truth. 

Before I was diagnosed, I had this notion that something like this could NEVER happen to me.  I am a good person, I put everyone before me, I have faith in God, I work out, I am healthy, bad things don't happen to good people.  Most women who are diagnosed with breast cancer will tell you the same thing.  Unfortunately, that is not how this all works.  I will say the same thing I said when I first started this blog and I do not want this post to take any of that away because I believe it to still be true.  I KNOW there is a reason for all of this.  I still believe whole heartedly that this happened for a purpose and, in time, I know that purpose will become more clear.  For now, I am going to pour my heart out to the world and I hope anyone reading this will take a minute to focus on yourself and let yourself feel whatever emotions you have inside and to not be afraid of what your friends, husband, parents, siblings, or any other family member might feel.  You deserve to let it all out, you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling right now.  I am allowed to feel everything I feel right now and so here it goes. 

Some days, most days, I feel alone.  The only time I truly feel like I am in my comfort zone anymore, is when I am speaking with someone who has been in my shoes.  Whether that means I am speaking to a mentor, or women from my support group, it seems to be the only time that I feel "understood".  The truth is, I am scared.  I am sad, some days even depressed.  I never thought this would be me.  I don't believe that anyone who hasn't had cancer will understand this when I say it.  I am happy, I am proud, and I am thankful that I am currently free of cancer.  With that being said, just because I am free of cancer, does not mean it has all just disappeared.  Some times I feel like the emotions post cancer can be more difficult to understand than the diagnosis itself.  In truth, I think its just a completely different aspect of the emotions that come along with all of this.  I think as we go through treatment we just look forward to the end.  We look forward to the end of chemo, the end of surgeries, the end of radiation, and to hearing those beautiful words..."your pathology report came back, and we received clear margins, you are CANCER FREE".  We never forget the date we were diagnosed, and we never will forget the date that we heard those words.  But hearing those words doesn't erase that it ever happened. 

When you go through something so difficult, so challenging, and so life altering, related to your health...I think its impossible to not fear going through it again.  You see, when you haven't been through it, you have no idea what to expect.  You are naïve to anything that comes along with it.  Its no different than the idea that if you've never been skydiving, then you have no idea what its going to feel like to jump out of that plane.  I had no idea what chemo would feel like or what it would do to me.  It was pure hell for me.  I will not lie.  Not only am I scared that I might ever have to endure that type of hell ever again, but if my cancer comes back...it is my understanding that I will automatically be stage 4 and it would then become a chronic disease that I would have to live with for the rest of my life.  I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds pretty f'ing scary!  I try not to think of it that way.  I try to stay positive, enjoy my life, travel, do things I enjoy, and I find myself filling most of my days up with an endless list of nonsense just to get through the day without having a mental breakdown.  To most looking in, I am doing quite well with this.  Those that are closest to me, know that I am not doing so well with this.  I put on a good show, which I am learning is only making this harder on me.  I am one tough cookie but this has brought me to a place where I have started to question my own strength.  I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been told how strong I am.  I am strong because I had no other choice.  It was do or die.  I chose "do" as most people would. 

I believe this portion of my post might be the one paragraph every cancer survivor will want to share with their loved ones.  So this is to all of my friends, family, loved ones, and to all of yours as well...

Cancer does NOT just disappear.  Just because you see me living my life again, enjoying day to day activities, seeing pictures of me smiling, doesn't mean that is truly what is going on inside of me.  Don't disappear on me.  Don't leave me.  I need your support still.  I need hugs, and texts, and emails, and cards, and random messages that you are still there for me.  I need you to still ask me if I am doing ok.  On my bad days, I might need my space but that doesn't mean I don't need a hug still.  On my bad days, I might be a bitch but that doesn't mean I don't love you.  It means I am scared.  It means that those negative thoughts have gotten the best of me on that day and I am doing my best to cope with them.  When you see that look of sadness in my eyes, or if you haven't heard from me in awhile, call me...text me...send me some encouragement.  Pray for me.  Im not one to ever ask for attention.  I don't want the attention because I crave to know that everyone in the world is worried about me.  I crave to be reminded that I am loved and that in some small way it is understood that I am not 100% and that it might take awhile for me to get there.  Some days I might be 100%, some days I might be at 50%.  Don't disappear on me.  If I ask anything from anyone,  I will ask this.  Be patient with me.  I am learning to be patient with myself and teaching myself that it will take time to learn how to live this new life I have ahead of me.  I am learning to live without fear and this is a daily challenge for me.  I cannot find patience within myself if you cannot be patient with me as well.   We (cancer survivors) still need everyone's love and support even after hearing those beautiful words.  Its what continues to pull us through. 

As time goes on I know this will get easier.  I have to believe and have faith in that statement.   When I was going through treatment, it was my protection...my armor...against my cancer spreading.  Then I had surgery and it was the end all be all of this cancer being inside of me.  I recovered from it all, and I am so fortunate and lucky to feel as great as I do physically but I don't have any of that armor anymore.  My body will do whatever its going to do and I have to trust in God that he will protect me from here on out.  I fear all of the little pains that come and go and pray to God they will go away on their own.  I feel like he is the only one who can protect me now.  I can only do so much for myself.  I have had to learn how to live life differently.  Drinking is horrible for breast cancer survivors and I have found myself trying to learn how to be the one sober person in the room while everyone is turning upside down acting like a total fool.  I am doing my best to find new habits, new activities, and new friends who can enjoy those positive and healthy activities with me.  I don't ever want to replace those who have been there with me through all of this, but I want them to all understand that I might not be the same person I was a year ago.  I am still funny, I am still outgoing, I will still have a dance off with you, I will still give you the worst impression of whatever you ask me to, I will still care for you and love you the same way I did before, I will still be there for you, and I will find a way to live my life in a way that will bring me joy.  But please do not turn the other way while I figure this out.  Please continue to come on this journey with me and know that deep down I am still the same person I was before cancer tried to bring me down.  There are just certain parts about me that may be different but I am going to believe that those certain parts are going to be better than ever before. 

I am not going to chalk this pouring of emotions as a weakness on my behalf.  Whether you have ever been diagnosed with cancer, or you know someone who has been diagnosed, or you are just having a difficult time in your life, you cannot ever be ashamed of it.  I am learning this and I will continue to become better at knowing its okay to feel everything that I feel.  I know there are a million other women out there who will agree to the majority of what I have said.  I hope you will share your feelings and emotions below.  Let this be your own sound off to get it out and share with those who might not really understand what you are going through.  Use an anonymous name if you have to.  I want EVERYONE to understand how real these feelings are, how random these ups and downs are, and some days are harder than others, but to know that we need your patience, compassion, and love to pull us through it.

Please see the bottom of this blog for links to the products used and for additional pictures of my stenciled eyebrows when I was undergoing chemotherapy.  Thank you all so much for the support!!!

Here is a link to the Anastasia Kit that I used in the tutorial.   This kit comes with different eyebrow stencil shapes, a brush, tweezers, powder color of your choice, and a clear brow gel

http://www.anastasia.net/5-element-brow-kit.html 

I am not too familiar with these stencils but here is a cheaper option though you only get the stencils.  You can purchase most of the necessary brushes at Target

http://www.amazon.com/Pack-l-f-Essential-Eyebrow-Stencil/dp/B00FOGWTNQ/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1405133937&sr=8-8&keywords=eyebrow+stencils

This is my first video tutorial so bare with me!!!  I know my lighting isn't the best but I will work on that :)  I loved doing this and I cannot wait to share more of my tips and tricks with you. 

Link to first chemo beanie with lots of fun stylish hats - seller on etsy:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Muluk?section_id=12942030&ref=shopsection_leftnav_7

The second black hat I demonstrated was purchased from this website:

www.hatsscarvesandmore.com

There are lots of options on this site that range from beanies to sleep caps and scarves. 

You can find hats like the gray beret at places like Kohls and Target for very reasonable prices. 

Most of my scarves were purchased at Target.  I definitely recommend getting ones that can be neutral but don't be afraid to play around with colorful scarves as well.   I encourage you to make the best of this crappy hair loss situation and to play around with different ideas and colors.  I do not recommend purchasing silk scarves as they are hard to keep in place.  Practice makes perfect!!! Keep playing around with your scarf until you find what works best for you.  There are tons of tutorials out there with all kinds of different styles as well.  ENJOY!!!

I know I promised I would write more about my chemo this week, and I started to but then realized how negative I was being.  While its important for me to be honest, and I will be, it was putting me in kind of a bad place emotionally.  My 2nd chemo was a less than pleasant experience for me, and was a pivotal moment for me in my treatment.  I promise to put that information out there but I really wanted to write about something a little more fresh on my mind this week....and something much happier!!!


I have always believed that certain people cross our paths for a specific reason.  Whether it is for 1 minute or for a lifetime.  I am one of those people who looks back and really appreciates the timeline of events and the people that have gotten me to where I am today. While there are definitely some people in my life I probably could have gone without meeting...I know in some crazy way God put that person in my life for a reason. 

I am going to back track to the very beginning of my journey when I was told by that doctor there was no way I had breast cancer.  She might be one of those people who I wonder why God would put them in my life.  I have convinced myself it is because it is my job to encourage her to pay more attention to her patients and to not let a patient walk out of your door with clear and obvious signs of breast cancer.  I have to say this, though.  There is a reason that she did not diagnosis me.  She wasn't meant to diagnosis me.  I wasn't meant to fall in the hands of her care.  What came from her not diagnosing me, was a team of doctors who God strategically put in front of me.  There is no doubt he had a plan in store for me.  When I called this specific doctor and told them about the lump I found, I was told to wait 3 weeks.  This was not acceptable to me.  I wanted answers immediately.  I have inherited the lovely ability to have zero patience what so ever and this would be the first time it actually benefited me. I called my old OBYGN that same day,  was scheduled the next day and diagnosed within a week. 

Where I was once bitter that this other doctor had shown such little concern for my health...I have now realized that it was for the sole reason that I would fall in to the hands of the most amazing team of doctors.  I didn't realize this until after my double mastectomy and this is why...

I was diagnosed by a doctor at Oak Hills Women's Center in San Antonio which neighbors a breast reconstruction clinic called PRMA.  I was then referred to Dr. Rosenthal who would be my general surgeon, who would refer me to Dr. Lang, my amazing oncologist, who would then refer me to my plastic surgeon back at PRMA.  I will come back to my plastic surgeon in a minute because that becomes a pivotal moment in all of this.  I was not the patient who went and got 2nd opinions.  While I definitely encourage women to do that, I had my husband and family with me at almost all of my initial appointments and we loved my doctors and trusted them immediately.  When it came time to talk more seriously about my surgery, as I neared the end of my chemo, Dr. Lang asked me if I had talked with a plastic surgeon yet.  I replied that I had only been referred to PRMA but not a specific dr. The way that she presented Dr. Ledoux to me was in a way that I had no doubt, without even meeting him, that he was going to be the perfect doctor for me.  I don't know that I can put this in to words but it was almost in a way that she was referring me to her best friend, someone she trusted, someone she knew who was going to be a perfect fit for me and my personality. 

This would be the beginning of how all of this would come full circle for me.  When we left our first appointment with Dr. Ledoux, we all got in the car and said...well what did you think?  Needless to say, we all approved.  I wouldn't actually see Dr. Ledoux again until the morning of my mastectomy.  What's odd is that you meet these doctors only once or twice before this major surgery but somehow they become such a huge part of your life.  The morning of my surgery Dr. Ledoux came in to the pre-op room and talked with me for a few minutes and right before we would go back he asked if he could say a prayer with my family and I.  We all held hands and I really only remember him asking for God to guide his hands as he would perform this surgery that day. 

Because the few times that I have seen Dr. Ledoux since then have been a little happier, I have never expressed to him what that moment meant to me.  I was sitting in that pre-op room crying, scared out of my mind.  When he said that prayer, I was calmed.  I knew that God was going to pull me through this and in that 6 hours that I would be under anesthesia, that I was in the hands of the absolute best doctors possible. 

As you know from previous posts, I have been going through the difficult emotions you face after such a "traumatic" experience having cancer.  I attended my first support meeting last night which happened to be held at my plastic surgeons office at PRMA.  My nurse, Jenny, had encouraged me to go because the woman speaking was a patient of hers and she knew our stories were very similar.  As I sat there listening to Staci's story, I felt like I was talking to myself.  About 1/4 of the way through her story she asked that we try and focus on the similarities in our journeys and not the differences.  This is a piece of advice that I highly encourage anyone to follow as you read my blog, listen to other survivors stories, and even as you're telling your own story.  We may not all share the same exact journeys but I believe we all share the same scary feelings when it comes to a breast cancer diagnosis. 

What I took away from this meeting and from hearing Staci's story, is not something I am sure I can explain.  She was close to the same age as me at diagnosis and is now 14 years free of cancer.  Knowing that there IS HOPE, that it IS POSSIBLE, that cancer is NOT a death sentence...and hearing that come from someone who has gone through every emotion I have felt is extremely encouraging.  I would speak with Staci after for awhile and I truly felt like I was having a conversation with my best friend.  For the first time, since I was diagnosed, I was having a conversation with someone who fully understood every single emotion I had.  There is a certain range of emotions that come along with being diagnosed in your early 30's and finally relating to someone on that level was an amazing moment. 

"We meet people when we are suppose to, when the time is just right". 

If my journey had not taken the exact path that it did, I have no idea where I would be right now.  I cannot say enough about my doctors or my nurses.  I now feel as though they have become such a huge part of my life.  They aren't just my doctors, they are my protectors, they are my guides, and I feel as though my nurses have become my friends.  I don't know that I ever really appreciated the role of my doctors so much as I do now.  Sure they receive a huge paycheck for what they do, but the compassion that comes along with that is not something you can put a price tag on. It takes a very special person to display that to someone going through such a difficult time in their lives.  For my nurse, Jenny...her job isn't to listen to my emotional problems but she did.  She knew that I needed to hear Staci's story and it all came at the perfect time.  There is something to be said for that special attention that a doctor or nurse puts towards their patients. 

Had I not been falsely diagnosed by the first doctor, I never would have met Dr. Anca...who would put me in the hands of the best surgeon for me...Dr. Rosenthal, who would send me to the best oncologist for me...Dr Lang, who would then place me in the hands of the most amazing plastic surgeon...Dr Ledoux and amazing nurse...Jenny who would introduce me to a women who I am confident will encourage me to life my life and find myself again.  It was that part of her story that really spoke to me.  In my mind, I had referred back to a few weeks ago when I wrote about finding your routine again post cancer.  I am pretty sure I was just sitting there smiling, shaking my head "YES" the entire time.  While I have sat here and wondered how I will find the routine, what will that routine be, who will I be after cancer, I realized that I don't have to answer that question right now.  Right now, I just need to live and enjoy being alive.  Its amazing how one person, and one hour can change your way of thinking.  I am thankful for every single person who has been a part of this journey so far and I look forward to meeting so many more women, sharing my story, and encouraging women in a way that Staci has encouraged me. 

With all this being said, I highly encourage anyone reading this to attend local support meetings.  If the first one doesn't work out, try something else. There are tons of resources out there and so many options available to you.  I am learning of new organizations daily.  Whether it be through social media, going to support groups, or doing my own online research.  It took me awhile to admit that I needed to attend a support meeting but it was clearly the best decision I could have made.  You don't have to be ashamed or feel like its a sign of weakness.  I spoke with a few women last night and I swear I could have sat there for hours sharing stories and laughing with them.  Regardless of their age, we all share a very scary and life altering experience with one another.  Most importantly, you NEVER know who you are going to meet along the way or what roll that person will take in your journey. 

I am certain of one thing though.  God has put some very special people in my life and I will forever be grateful for them all.  I am certain if you look back at the people you have crossed paths with you will find purpose in every single one of them. I hope you have the opportunity to meet someone who inspires you, brings happiness,  and gives you hope for your own personal journey.

I didn't wake up planning on writing this.  I woke up planning on driving 10 minutes to get my favorite coffee, working out, and then going to the doctor this afternoon.  Every way I could have possibly gone to get my Caramel Monkeyata, was backed up in traffic. I kept turning around, trying to find a faster way.  None worked.  I think this was God's way of making his presence in my life this morning.  Though I have never questioned what I am about to type...it was a pleasant reminder of many feelings and words, of which, need to be said. 

As I was driving, taking my 10 different routes to get a simple little coffee, I put on my favorite artist, Sara Bareilles.  Honestly, I have listened to this CD 10,396 times.  I randomly put on a song called "I just want you".  I listened to every single word of the song and couldn't help but lose it.  By lose it, I mean, I couldn't see the road while I was driving because I was crying so hard.  Don't worry, Mom, I'm home safe...typing this of course.  Of the many times I have listened to this song...for some reason this morning...it took me to an amazing place that reminded me of something so important that cannot be left unsaid.


One side of this song made me think of my faith in God throughout my cancer.  I have asked many times for him to continue to make his presence in my life, to give me strength to find simplicity again.  As the song says:

"Give me a heart to hold the godlike truth
Give me one good soul that I can tell it through
Give me good reason to believe in you
And give me strength if you have time"

"Saying “Give it all back, it don’t mean a thing”
You got a short-lived life and a song to sing
And the only way up is believing
And never looking down"

I am so fortunate to have everything in life that I DO have.  I have to pull away these thoughts that anything was every taken from me.  I was and have been given so much in this life.  For this, I am thankful and I will continue to remind myself of this daily.  God put me in the hands of a man who took such great care of me through out the hardest time in my life.  Through sickness and in health...this man truly lived up to that and I truly do thank God for bringing this man to me.

I have prayed, A LOT, through my cancer.  Though I was brought up with a very religious mom...I am confident for many years I took my faith for granted.  I will say that I am 100% confident that I am where I am right now because God has guided me here.  When I think about the sequence of events that have taken place in the last several years...there is no other explanation.  God presented the most amazing man to me.  Don't get me wrong...we have our moments...oh boy do we have our moments.  But, as the song says, at the end of the day "I just want you".  My husband has been my rock, my boulder, my world. 

I think its really hard to acknowledge our husbands as much as they should be acknowledged while we are going through this crap.  They deserve more praise than any doctor I have seen.  Yes, my doctors saved my life with medicine and guidance to make decisions that would one day hand me a cancer free diagnosis.  My husband, however, has been my foundation through all of this.  I truthfully do not know how I would have made it through any of that without him by my side.  I cant even imagine how I would have gotten through the first day of my diagnosis, let alone chemo, and surgery, and the insanely absurd emotions that go along with it.  You think PMS is bad? Try going through temporary menopause at 33 while on chemo, while your hair is falling out and your boobs are being chopped off.  I am pretty sure I could have been a great villain in the next batman sequel.  That's not what this is about though. 

My husband will read this.  My friends will read this, my family will read this, my husbands parents will read this.  You should all know...this man saved my life and put up with a whole mess of me that neither of us ever expected.  Though he thinks he was just doing what any husband would do for their wife....I sometimes wonder how he held it together for me.  I think if I would have seen him break down any more than the few times that I did, I would have thought that I was dying.  It was good to see him have his moments because it reminded me he was right there, fighting with me, but I am amazed at the strength he was able to pass on to me through out my journey.  I know it wasn't easy for him to watch me go through any of that. 

I am putting in this blog, what I cant seem to ever find the words to say.  To my husband...Thank You will never be enough.  I thank God for bringing you to me.  I know there isn't another soul on this planet that could have pulled me through this the way you did.  Knowing I was loved, being told I was beautiful while I was stripped of all of my physical qualities, picking me up and reminding me often how we will get through this together, supporting me and reassuring me daily that everything will be okay...are all reasons why you own my whole heart.  We have been on one insanely crazy roller coaster together and I am unsure of when we are going to get off of this damn thing but as long as your on it with me...I am happy.  Who I would be right now, without you, is a thought I cant even process.  I honestly have a million more things that I could say.  I don't even know how to move on from this portion of the blog but I am sure by now he is probably crying reading this so I will end with it there.  Thank you for being my rock...and just like you did in the photo above...thank you for picking me up and carrying me through the absolute most challenging time in my life.

Last week I turned 34.  I don't think I have ever been so happy to be a year older than I was this year.  It was an emotional birthday for me, for many reasons.  While I was so thankful for the day and felt so blessed that I was alive to even turn 34...I became emotional over the idea that my life isn't what it was when I turned 33.  I have come to the realization that my life will never be the same.  I know I have said it in previous posts, that us cancer warriors will never live the same life we had before, but it seems as though I am constantly teaching myself about this "new normal".  Daily, I find myself just trying to figure this out.  While the one side of me feels so damn lucky to see life the way I do now...I am challenged by trying to figure out where my new place in life is. 

I think it is safe to say that before we heard the news we had cancer we lived our life in somewhat of a routine.  Every day we wake up, we pretty much do the same thing we did the day before, and basically...our lives become a scaled down version of the movie Groundhog Day.  Your alarm goes off at the same time everyday, you make coffee, go to work, come home, eat dinner, run kids around, and go to bed.  Then you wake up and you do it all over again.  Most people seem to take these simple daily tasks for granted.  Then cancer happens...and your life suddenly becomes one big question mark with no set idea in your head for how the day ahead will go.   All of those routines go flying out of the window and your just trying to figure out how to get through the day, wishing you had the ability to do half of those daily tasks.  I think this begins from the very first day you get diagnosed.  Whether your schedule has become filled with appointments yet or not, the emotional toll a cancer diagnosis takes on you is enough to send you off in to another world. 

There are many points in life where you can look back and say you wish you would have done something different.  I kind of wish I enjoyed high school a little more.  I wish I would have played soccer longer.  I wish I would have appreciated my parents more but on a side note, I have thankfully grown out of that and am very thankful for the amazing parents that I do have.  I wish I would have cherished all of the amazing moments I got to experience as a child, as a teenager, and even as an adult.  When I look back at my cancer, specifically fighting through chemo, I cant even imagine how I would have done anything any different than what I did.  My worst side effect was fatigue.  I spent A LOT of time in bed.  I can look back and say, I wish I would have been more active through chemo, I wish I would have joined a support group, I wish I would have done this or done that.  The fact of the matter is, I did the best I could.  I know many women who go through chemo can probably relate to that.  Every single day is different.  I say all of this because I cannot honestly offer any sort of advice on what you should do to get through your chemo days.  You just have to do whatever it is that feels right at the time.  If it means sleep, you sleep.  If it means read a book, read a book.  If your able to workout one day, then workout, and if you cant workout for the next 10 then you don't workout until you can again.  The whole point of this, is that a routine can be difficult while you go through chemo because every day is different both physically and emotionally. I think this might be what makes it so hard to find a routine post cancer.  Finding yourself again, after all is said and done can be challenging. 

Its for this reason, I feel as though the quote above is perfect for this particular post.  Even post cancer, I find myself having days of total randomness.  Some days, I have a hard time coping with what I just went through but the one thing I know every single day when I wake up...is that I have to keep moving forward.  For me, moving forward means finding that "new normal", or my new routine, and accepting that it will take time to figure that out.  This is something I am currently working on so there is no doubt it will be an ongoing lesson for me until I actually have something that works for me. 

I am slowly realizing that it is important for me to discover the "new me".  I have a hard time making set decisions on anything.  Its almost like I just want everything to happen because I don't feel like putting the effort forth to think about anything.  I know this is a sign of depression which absolutely sucks to even acknowledge or say out loud but I, personally, know I am doing my best.  I have full intentions of doing everything I can to keep that depression from happening but it's real. It exists and I am not going to lie or be dishonest in this blog about what I am going through.  I KNOW I am not alone and its important you know you are not alone either.   It is also important to acknowledge your feelings and pay attention to them.  When I say pay attention, I mean you have to do something about them or they will eat you away. 

So, how do you find a routine post cancer?  I am still learning but this is what I have come up with so far.  First of all, be patient with yourself.  Give yourself realistic expectations.  Make lists of things that you want to accomplish and go through that list and check them off as you complete them.  I think its rewarding and does so much for you mentally to see what you have accomplished for the day.  Try and put one thing on that list you enjoy doing.  If it means "read for 20 minutes" or "bake a cake" or "crochet a hat"...just try not to put a bunch of crap you need to get done just to get through the day on your list. 

I am not going to tell you to have a set bedtime and set your alarm for the same time every morning. Why?  Because, I know as well as the next cancer patient, that you take what you can get with your sleep.  If I was confident I could get through a night with 8 hours of peaceful sleep, not waking up to a hot flash or with crazy thoughts going through my brain, then yes that might be an option.  For now, I will enjoy whatever shut eye time is given to me.

I've found that I need to immediately put a note in my phone as soon as I think there is something that I need to do or else I will completely forget I ever had to do it.  This includes everything, for example: "don't forget to finish the laundry" even after I just put it in the washer.  For now, this is what I have to do. 

Join a gym.  It took me awhile to finally make this decision but I knew how good it would be for me, mentally.  Not to mention, it lowers your risk of recurrence....so they say.  Join a support group.  Find different programs that are offered in your area for breast cancer patients. For example, in San Antonio, they offer a free workout program, artful healing classes, and free nutritional counseling.  Not only do you get a great work out but you also open up the door to meet other women who are going through exactly what you are going through. 

The reality is this.  I have these moments where I think to myself...I cant believe I am at a place in my life where I need to join support groups and make lists so I don't forget to do things, and I need to think more carefully about the food I put in my mouth including alcohol, and I'm 34 and I have no clue what direction my life is going in currently.  Following those thoughts is reminding myself...ITS OKAY!!!!   Remind yourself of what you have just been through.  No one is being as hard on you as you are being on yourself.  So I will remind you...to give yourself realistic expectations each day.  If you make yourself a list and you don't complete it, give yourself a break.  Give yourself time to teach yourself a new routine.  Give yourself time to find your new normal.  Remind yourself of everything you have to be thankful for in that moment instead of focusing on the things that tore you up over the last several months.  More importantly than anything else...Teach yourself how to be patient with you. I think its something very important for us to learn how to do.  I've come to realize that I am putting way too much pressure on myself to be "normal" again when I don't even know what "normal" is right now.  I don't know how long it will take for me to figure out what my "normal" is but I am confident I will figure it out.  I am confident that I will learn how to live with all of this, it just may take time, and that's okay. 

Ive realized that I am not going to learn how to live my life again overnight.  Its going to take time but for today....if I cant fly, then I am going to run, and if I cant run then I am going to walk, and if I cant walk then I will crawl...and if for some reason I cant crawl...then I will just continue moving forward because the other option is giving up on life...and that just simply isn't an option.  If nothing else...if nothing else at all...I will be thankful for the day that lies ahead. 

Fill your schedule up with positivity and a positive mind will follow. 

 When my oncologist told me that chemo was inevitable...I can't honestly say in that moment I felt anything.  I didn't even know what that meant.  By the time I was actually able to process it, I had this vision in my head of permanently hugging that white porcelain with a bald head.  I imagined I would probably just sleep there because I thought that's all I would be doing.  The only knowledge I had of chemo was whatever I saw on TV and most recently that was Walter White (Breaking Bad) puking his brains out nonstop.   I will tell you this was not the case for me and for most people it is not.  I also could not get past the idea that I was, no doubt, going to lose my hair.  I imagined going out in public and everyone would just know I was sick because, lets face it, when you see a bald women - its the immediate assumption she has cancer.  I didn't want that but I didn't have a choice.  This was something I had to do and so I continued to follow the path that my doctors would lead me through.   

When I sat in that first appointment with my oncologist and we discussed chemo, she also informed me that I would need to have a port catheter so that my infusions would be much less painful and much easier for me and the nurses.  In that moment, it registered to me.  I have to have a surgery and be put under anesthesia.  To most that may seem like nothing.  To me, in that moment, it was like fireballs being thrown at me and I couldn't avoid any of them.  Watch out you have CANCER!  Watch out here comes CHEMO!  Watch out YOUR GONNA BE BALD!  Watch out here comes SURGERY!  Watch out YOUR GONNA HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BOOBS CUT OFF!  It was nonstop.  I didn't want to hear anymore.  I have never been put under before and I received a call the next day that my surgery was scheduled in 3 days.  I didn't have time to think about what the hell was going on.  Honestly, I didn't have time to think about anything that had happened in those first few weeks. 

Monday came along and my port was placed.  Surgery was quick and easy and I woke up.  I was scared I wouldn't wake up for some reason.  In pre-op my husband asked me what would happen if I didn't wake up.  My response was "I guess Ill be in heaven".  He replied with "that doesn't sound so bad does it".  Weird to have that conversation but...it was true.  With regards to the actual port itself...it was weird.  I am thin and hated that you could see this round quarter sized lump in my chest at all times.  My healing wasn't as simple as I have read most peoples have been.  I am only saying that because I had a lot of soreness for a good 2 weeks.  I couldn't sleep on my side for a long time because I could actually feel my bones (or something) pushing on the port.  With that being said...having that port was worth it.  The first time I had a needle put in my vein after I actually started chemo...OUCH!!!!!!!   It made me extremely happy that I had that damn port and didn't have to have a needle put in my vein every time I had an infusion.  So, if you have the option, I suggest you opt for the port. 

Thursday after my port was put in I had "chemo class".   My husband and I both went and it was basically an overview of the type of chemo I would be getting, what to do when you have certain side effects, when to call the doctor, the purposes of each chemo, and an overall explanation of what to expect.  I remember my nurse practitioner looking at me and telling me I still had this look of shock of my face.  She asked if I was ok.  I am not even sure words came out of my mouth.  I think I just shook my head with a "half yes" nod.  Fact was, I was not okay.  I mean, your sitting there reading pamphlets about fevers, diarrhea, constipation, nausea, throwing up, fatigue, hair loss, and a million other side effects you might have along the way.  Not to mention, I was given a laundry list of items I would need to purchase to cope with every one of these side effects should I have them.  The idea was to have everything on hand if something were to happen.  My nightstand quickly became a mini Walgreens Pharmacy.  I am not kidding when I say that.  Not only did I own one of every OTC medicine known to man, I owned pain killers, anti nausea meds, anti anxiety meds, and what seemed like a lifetime supply of vitamins.  All necessary to cope with whatever was about to happen to me. 

So what is chemo anyways?  I am not sure even after my chemo class, that I knew the answer to that question.  I had no idea what to expect but in 5 days I was about to find out.  My first infusion would be on Monday.  Driving to that appointment, I cried.  I was scared.  I was also ready to get this damn show on the road.  3 weeks had passed since my diagnosis and all I could imagine in those 3 weeks was this cancer just growing and growing.  I had MRI's and PetScans which proved otherwise but I just wanted to get the ball rolling and kill this shit. I packed my chemo bag with snacks, my ipad, a book, and we had brought a movie to watch.  All things I was told to bring to occupy the 5 hours I would be there. 

My appointment started off with a short 20 minutes with my nurse and oncologist.  My onc would feel my tumor in that appointment for the first time and this would happen at the beginning of every appointment for her to determine if chemo was working. She would then walk me back to the chemo room and this was the only time she ever walked me back.  It was as if she was holding my hand, guiding me in to hell.  I do love my oncologist.  She is amazing and I am so happy that I fell in to her hands of care....I don't want it to sound otherwise but I know she had to of known how scared I was in those moments before my first infusion. She introduced me to my nurse.  Erin was new at the time and I remember her saying we were going to learn how to get me through this together.  She said that to us, and I immediately knew she was the best nurse for me.  I didn't feel like I was just some patient she was sticking with needles...I just really felt like she cared to actually be my friend through this hell.  She talked me through everything, occupied my brain with random talk when it needed to be and always explained whatever it was she was doing.  We would start with premeds of anti nausea, steroids, I think Bendryl and in no time...there came the bags. BIOHAZARD!!!CAUTION!!! Then I would watch as that poison slowly dripped from the bag to that little tube, all the way down until it made its way to my port and in to my veins. 

My first 4 infusions would be Adriamycin and Cytoxan. Adriamycin - otherwise known as the "red devil" or the "acid of chemo".  In fact, my nurse had to push this specific chemo through these 2 large tubes, by hand, basically dressed as if I was in quarantine.  This specific chemo can eat away at your flesh if it makes contact...Sounds fun right?  I was told this was the drug that would cause most of the side effects I would experience.  I was given freeze pops to suck on while this was infused which would help with mouth sores. For some reason, I was more scared of mouth sores than any other side effect.  Thankfully, I never experienced this side effect through out the entire 4 months I would go through chemo.  However, I was warned about the "red devil" and how my pee would turn red from it, and it did, and I could smell the chemicals when I would during my infusions.  But there I was...in my comfy clothes, walking around the treatment room with my infusion pole, pushing it along as I went to the bathroom and the chemo still dripping away. 

So what was the first infusion like?  Thankfully, pretty uneventful.  Typically, there isn's much that goes on in that 5 hours.  I guess I thought I would feel something...I felt nothing.  I didn't immediately feel any sort of side effects either, other than from the steroids which made me want to run a marathon.  Expect to hear a lot of beeping from the machines of patients waiting to have their meds switched up.  Expect to pee A LOT.  I suggest you eat a good meal on the day of infusion because you might not have much of an appetite in the coming days.  Remember, everyone is different.  As a matter of fact, the day I got back from my first infusion, I went for a 45 minute walk.  It was my attempt to stay as active as  I could through out chemo and since I was all jacked up on steroids...I took advantage of it. 

I will talk about the side effects I experienced in a future post because I did not have as many side effects my first time around.  In fact, the 2 weeks between my first and second infusion I thought to myself...I totally got this.  That was easy compared to everything I was threatened with in chemo class!!!

Here is my advice to anyone currently going through chemo or who is about to start.  These are things that were recommended by my doctor so, of course, please check with your doctor before you start taking any medications or vitamins.  Some doctors don't want their patients taking anything and it would be nice if there was some sort of universal rule for that but there isn't.  My doctor was one that encouraged vitamins and various other proactive treatments to avoid unwanted side effects - like mouth sores, nail damage, neuropathy, etc...

***SO IMPORTANT*** DRINK WATER!!!!  I started drinking about 5 bottles of water the day before infusion and the day of infusion, I was constantly refilling my cup.  This is what flushes all the crap out.  I read this on someone elses blog and I will say there was one treatment when I did not do this and there was a huge difference in how I felt afterwards.

* Rinse with biotin 2x a day and brushed teeth with biotin daily

* Take anti nausea meds every 4-6 hours.  Do not wait for nausea to come.  Its much easier to manage if you stay ahead of it and for the first 5 days, I would take these meds by the hour

*If you are receiving Nuelasta shots for your white blood cell boost, take aleve or something similar the morning of and Clariton or Zyrtec.  This helps cope with some of the bone pain you might experience.

* SLEEP SLEEP and then SLEEP some more.  Don't feel guilty about this

* Eat what you can and don't focus too much on some sort of crazy diet.  Yes, eat healthy, but if that's not what's putting food in your mouth then eat whatever is going down and whatever is staying there. 

* I took B6, Vitamin D, and Acidopholis daily as recommended by my doctor

*Don't eat super hot foods - you don't want to burn your mouth and give yourself a mouth sore and try not to eat potato chips or crispy things that can cut in to your gums - I stayed away from Chips and Salsa for 4 months and I was always careful when I chewed on something that could potentially cut my gums. 

*Allow yourself to allow OTHERS to take care of you.  This is your time to get healthy and only focus on yourself

* REACH OUT TO OTHER WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH!!!  I wish I would have done this because I know it would have avoided that feeling of being alone.  No one can possibly understand the fatigue, the nausea, or the emotions you are going through unless they have experienced it.  Go to support groups, email me, if you don't have a nurse navigator see if one can be offered to you. 

Again, this first round I did not have a ton of side effects but I will get in to that portion of my chemo in next weeks post.  I am not sure I can tell you to walk in to that first chemo and not be scared.  That's impossible.  Its the unknown.  We are all different and there is no way to predict how any of this will effect us individually.  I would just try and imagine it as it being the beginning of the end to your cancer.  It's the only thing that is going to kill that crap and get you back to being healthy again.  I fear ever having to go through that again because it is not a walk in the park.  It's doable but challenging.  Trust your doctors, trust your nurses, let your family and friends in, allow yourself to be vulnerable, cry whenever you want, and know that you will get through this.