Shaving my head...again

I know you see me smiling but behind that smile, I am scared. I am not sure anyone realizes how scared I actually am and Im not even sure I really want anyone to know.  

Shaving my head for the 2nd time in my life was no easier than it was 5 years ago. The army you see standing behind me is one hell of a freaking army and I know, this time, I am not alone in this battle.  Im surrounded by fellow survivors and fighters, my family, my friends, but most importantly Im surrounded by LOVE.  I have so much love for every single person in this photo and I was blessed to have them all by my side.  

To be honest, I am not even sure any of this has really settled with me.  It's the biggest challenge I have had in writing my blog again.  I feel like writing about it again just makes it more real.  I want to get this out of my head but I also don't want people to feel sorry for me or as if I am complaining but this fucking sucks. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????? WHY? WHY? WHY?  

I asked myself that same question 5 years ago and my answer became more clear a couple of years later when I started my non-profit.  We've helped so many women and I finally found my purpose in life. Here I am asking that question again.  I don't get it.  I did everything I could.  I ate healthy, I worked out, I stopped drinking alcohol almost completely outside of the occasional glass of champagne or 2.  But here I am again...bald.  Chemotherapy took my hair again.  For a moment, I will forget and then I'll scratch my head only to come back with a handful of stubbles.  I'll catch myself in the mirror and it takes me back to a place I was 5 years ago.  A place that I am trying very hard not to go to.  

Im doing my best to stay positive.  It's a weird feeling...I am 3 treatments in and even though I was feeling like complete crap - I had hair.  No one knew I was sick.  Now...I look sick.  Now...Im the girl that has cancer....again.  Im the girl when you see me walking in Target you look at and probably feel bad for me.  I don't want to be THAT girl.  But I also don't want to be the girl that hides this time around. Even as I am typing this, I looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror and its just unbelievable. I know and hope that I will find a new purpose behind this again.  I want to believe that its God's way of giving me the true understanding of every single aspect of cancer so I can relate to all of these women we help.  The truth is, I am so mad at God right now.  I know he knows this.  I lack in prayer because I am mad. As I type that I am crying because it just makes me feel guilty - for many reasons.  I hate admitting it but I am trying to pray for understanding through this.  I have to find that in my own time and on my own terms though.  I know that only he knows my heart, and only he knows the purpose behind this new pain.  

On September 5th, 2018 I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer with liver and bone mets.  I have multiple tumors on my spine and other bones and 5 spots on my liver.  I will be in treatment for the rest of my life. That is reality.  I am bald again.  That is reality.  I don't know if I will ever have hair again.  There I said it.  

Cancer won't ever win though.  Because of it, I am surrounded by more love and support than I could ever have imagined. Though tears might fall, and fear might consume me at times, I am not alone this time.  I am one lucky girl to be surrounded by all of these amazing people, by ALL of you.