Oct 15th of this month was BRA day, Breast Reconstruction Awareness Day.  To be honest, I had no idea this day even existed until I was asked to model as a show and tell girl for my plastic surgeons office. Actually I think I volunteered but whatever.  At this point, I would probably offer to do  just about anything for PRMA. I have been, more than blessed, with the experience I have had with Dr. Ledoux and his staff.  I believe it is so important to feel confident in your decisions and trust your surgeons through-out this process.  So with that being said...this is my experience with my reconstruction process.   

You might remember a previous blog when I spoke of my original diagnosis - and my OBGYN telling me there was a great reconstruction/plastic surgeon next door.  How in that moment, I was trying to cope with the fact that I had cancer - while at the same time being told in, not so many words, that my breasts were going to be removed.  My Obgyn, my general surgeon, and my oncologist all recommended for me to go to PRMA.  This was all towards the beginning of my treatment and, to be honest, I was having a hard time digesting the fact that this was happening.  My breasts were going to be gone.  Cancer already took so much from me, and now its about to take a part of my body from me.  Sounds traumatic doesn't it? 

As I neared the end of my chemotherapy, My oncologist, Dr. Amy Lang, asked me if I had met with a plastic surgeon yet.  I was so busy sleeping my chemo off that this part of the process kind of left my brain for a few months.  When I told her that I had not met with anyone yet, she turned her chair towards me and said with so much confidence that she was going to refer me to Dr. Ledoux at PRMA.  She told me I would love him and how amazing he was but again, none of this registered at the time.  It wouldn't be until my first appointment with him that I would truly understand that she had sent me to the most perfect doctor....for me.   


I remember walking in to my first appointment at my PRMA.  I was scared.  I had no idea what to expect.  I didn't know what kind of information I was going to walk out of there with.  I had no idea what my options for surgery would be at that point.  I knew nothing other than...I was getting a double mastectomy at the age of 33.  All I had envisioned was having 2 insanely huge scars, no breasts, and wondered how I was going to look at myself in the mirror with confidence after all of this. 

Dr. Ledoux walked in to the exam room and I immediately felt a sense of calmness and comfort.  He would explain the different types of surgery but, for me, my best option would be immediate reconstruction with expanders.  I had lost 20 pounds through chemo and didn't have an inch of fat on my body.  To be quite honest, I am not sure I would have wanted any other surgery than this.  At the time it seemed a little overwhelming to think that I was going to need 2 separate surgeries, and that the process was going to take about 4-6 months to complete.  It's hard to digest everything in that first appointment because its another one of those appointments where everything kind of goes in one ear out the other. This is where my advice to you comes...take someone with you.  Do not go to these appointments alone.  My mother had brought a notebook which I secretly referred to as my cancer care book because she took notes on EVERYTHING - including the details involved in this surgery. 

After meeting Dr. Ledoux, I have to say that I felt better walking out of that appointment than I did going in.  I had the expectation that I was going to walk out of there a complete basket case with everything becoming so real.  It was comforting to know that I had this option. I said from the beginning that I never wanted to be vain about this. That I just wanted to look as close to myself after surgery as I did before.  It's what will make me feel good about looking in the mirror everyday.  It's what's going to restore my confidence after this hell that I have been through. So it IS important and not in a vain sort of way...but in a way that I needed to continue living my life as normal as possible when this was all done with.  Of course the absolute MOST important part was that I wouldn't have cancer anymore, but I needed the encouragement that I received in this first appointment.  The encouragement that I would wake up to something there and not just 2 scars.  The encouragement that I was going to be ok.  The encouragement that I would have a good outcome and that my doctor was going to put me back together and make me whole again.   Dr Ledoux held all of that inside of his hands and I knew that. I had to trust that he was going to put me back together both physically and unbeknownst to him...mentally as well.   

I feel lucky.  For many reasons....I feel lucky.  I obviously feel lucky to have my life.  As my husband said, I feel lucky that I caught this early.  Because of that, I was given the additional option of keeping my areolas, however, I would have to have my nipples removed as they contain milk ducts and I had invasive ductal carcinoma. From a physical standpoint, this was just another piece of good news for me.  I don't feel lucky for that though.  I feel lucky and I feel extremely confident that I was placed in to the best hands possible.   I know he doesn't ever expect it...but I can never repay Dr. Ledoux back for what he has done for me.  He pulled me through a portion of my journey that I had absolutely NO IDEA how I was going to cope with.   One day, my hair, my eyelashes, the weight, my life...would all come back to me.  This was the one part of me that was going to be gone forever.  I hate to refer to it like that but it is true.  This part of me would never return - at least I thought it wouldn't. 

The morning of my double mastectomy, I can tell you, I was in about as much panic as any one person could be in.  I cried the majority of the night before all the way up until 10 minutes before my surgery.  I had never done anything like this before.  My entire life, I have been healthy minus my asthma and a fractured foot.  I knew this was in God's hands but I was having a hard time releasing my fears to him.  (I still do today).  I had all of my pre-op work taken care of and there I was waiting in that room, IV in my hand, wearing a silly paper gown, no hair on my head, and scared out of my mind. Though my husband, mom and dad were all there to hold my hand...I was in a zone of fear. In this particular surgery, my general surgeon, Dr. Rosenthal and Dr. Ledoux would work side by side on my mastectomy and then Dr. Ledoux would take over on the reconstruction.  The first doctor to show up that morning, was Dr. Ledoux - with a smile on his face.  I thought to myself, why cant I just smile like he is right now.  Well, shortly after he started talking to me...I immediately felt that sense of calmness from him again. He sat me up, marked me up, asked me how I was doing...and then before our conversation would end he asked "Can we say a prayer"?  It was this very moment that I finally felt at peace with what was about to happen.  My fears were lifted as he asked for God to protect me and to guide the surgeons hands through-out the next 6 hours.  I cannot express, in words, what this moment meant to me but I was ready.

I remember waking up from my surgery, and though I was completely out of it at the time, my nurse wanted to take a look at my incisions.  This was the moment of truth.  I was about to look down and see what I had only envisioned would be 2 large scars.  Even though I knew I would have expanders in, I had no clue what I would look like.  The first words out of my mouth?  "I have more cleavage than I have ever had in my life".  Maybe it was the drugs talking at the time...the overdose of medications that I will blame on my husband, but it was true.  Though my breasts were gone forever, or at the very least in a pathology lab at that point, I didn't feel the way I anticipated I would feel looking at them for the first time.  Though recovery was difficult at times, I always say it was a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy.  As time went on, I healed, and we would start to move on to the next step...expanding. 

The most interesting, yet weird part of this process were the expansions. I would sit in front of a huge mirror, needle in my "breast" and I would just watch it grow before my eyes.  However, the BEST part about this part of the process, was that I got to say when I was done.  Hmmm??  What size did I want to be?  How many women get to watch their breasts grow right before their eyes and decide...yep! That's the perfect size for me! If I had to find a positive in losing my breasts - then this was it! The expansion itself was not painful...and what pain I would feel from them, I would relate to a post work out muscle pain.  Sore for a couple of days, nothing major, body adjusts...and then on to the next one 2 weeks later.  For me, it was recommended that I expand a little bigger than I think I might want to be because I was told the implants would appear smaller. Let me just tell you, these expanders - became 2 rocks on my chest.  I always laughed inside when I had to hug people because I felt like I was bruising them with these 2 things.  I was expanded to 370cc's and was exchanged to 400cc Mentor silicone implants 2 months after my final expansion.  Which, by the way, that exchange surgery was NOTHING.  I was in and out of the hospital and took a low dose pain pill for one entire day.  I left the final sizing up to Dr. Ledoux and, 2 1/2 months past surgery, I couldn't be happier with my final results.  I feel great in a bathing suit, bra shopping for the first time was awesome, and I never even acknowledge my scars.  Dr. Ledoux did an amazing job putting me "back together again". 

This is a part of my journey that I tend to get very emotional about because I can never quite come up with the right words to say.  So I will try this avenue...

Dr. Ledoux, 

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you.   I, my husband, and my family thank you for what you have done for me.  Thank you for that moment of prayer before my first surgery.  I will never be able to express to you exactly what that moment meant to me.  In that moment, I felt like I was family and I knew you were going to take great care of me through out this entire process.  This particular part of my journey could have been extremely traumatic but you made it the exact opposite.   From the first appointment,  to my first surgery, on to my exchange surgery, and follow ups...you have been my light through out this entire process.  I have always looked forward to my appointments with you because you assured me that I was going to be okay and that my end result was going to be something I would be proud of...and I am.  You turned this in to a very happy part of my journey.

You are a doctor, and your job is to perform a surgery on women but you are far more than that to all of us. What you have been able to give back to, not only myself, but all of your patients is so much more than that.  I know this because I have spoken to many of your patients who have the same reaction when we speak of you.  There was no other doctor for us and we are all so blessed to be a patient of yours.  My journey could have turned in a million directions, but I am so thankful that it led me to you as my plastic surgeon.  I don't believe there is another doctor out there that would have cared for me the way you have, who would have given me the results that I have, or who would take time out of their day to take a picture with me for my blog. You have gone above and beyond your intended call of duty for me.  I never felt like just another patient to you.  I couldn't be happier with the results, with how your staff has taken care of me, and with the continued support that you all show to your patients.  This is a part of my journey that I can close a door on with confidence and I am forever grateful to you for that. 

These words do not even touch how I truly feel, but it's all I can come up with.  Truly, I am just speechless. It brings me happy tears that I have been so fortunate.  Thank you for everything you have done for me and for being such an amazing soul to me through out this journey. 

Jen

Well...it all starts today.    I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this month.  I wasn't sure where my emotions would be but anytime I take a moment to process it...I find myself choking up but I also find myself getting very angry.  I have always been aware of what this month was about but its never hit so hard as I believe it will this time around. 

October 27 last year was when I found my tumor.  For me, it's when my journey began.  It's when my fears started to kick in.  Even in that moment when I felt my tumor and my stomach dropped, I still didn't believe in a million years I actually had breast cancer.  I never thought I would be that girl, in my 30's, battling breast cancer, in chemotherapy treatment...bald.  In a few short weeks from finding that tumor I would find out that I actually was that girl.  So for those that have no clue what breast cancer is, or what it does to its victim...please read on...because this is the short story reality of breast cancer. Its not all pink ribbons and bows.   I encourage you to take a minute to really understand what this month is about.  Its for the fighters, the survivors, for those who are just beginning their battle, for the younger generation to become more knowledgeable, for the family members who have lost loved ones, and in honor of all the warriors we have lost.  Please take a moment to say a prayer for us all...because while we will all be doing our best this month to spread awareness...we will also be battling our own personal emotions that surround this reality.

Did you know???

* One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime
* Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women
* Breast cancer is the 2nd leading cause of death in women
* Each year it is estimated that approx. 220,000 women in the United States will be diagnosed with breast cancer and more than 40,000 will die.
* Although breast cancer in men is rare, an estimated 2,150 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and approx. 410 will die each year.
* About 12 percent of women will develop breast cancer at some point in their lifetime...by contrast...if a women carries the BRCA1 mutation that percentage is increased to 55 percent of women and with the BRCA2 mutation 45 percent will develop breast cancer by the age of 70.


At the age of 33, I had a 5% chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer with the BRCA2 mutation - without the mutation - I had a .44% chance.  Breast cancer has changed me forever both physically and mentally.  It made me fear death even more than I ever have before.  Chemotherapy put me in my place and showed me a weakness about me that I never thought existed.  Though most would consider me strong because I survived it...internally...I felt weaker than I had ever felt in my life.  Chemotherapy forced me to look at myself in the mirror at my lowest point.  I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes and weighed 107 pounds.  Breast cancer took my breasts and left me with permanent, physical and emotional, scars. Most people don't understand that a mastectomy is the removal of all breast tissue.. Nothing that is there, is mine anymore. I have these fake boobs that I never asked for, that were not my choice but this is what I am left with.  Some may look at me and think I am superficial with my fake boobs but they have no idea these fake boobs saved my life.   Because I am BRCA2 positive, it will soon take my ovaries as well and put me in to menopause at the age of 36. With menopause comes hot flashes and a higher risk of osteoporosis.  I will never be able to carry my own child because of this.  Sounds horrible doesn't it?  This is what breast cancer is.  It isn't just some disease that you prescribe medicine for and in a period of time it is gone.  It leaves permanent marks, and for me, it will alter my future completely.

So with that being said...and in the spirit of breast cancer awareness month...I will write this...

Dear Breast Cancer,

Fuck you!  I hate you.  I hate you for what you have taken from me. I hate that for the rest of my life, your scar will always be there. I hate that I will never know what it feels like to have a baby grow inside of me because of you.  You are evil.  You've taken far too many lives but you will not take mine. I will make sure that I do everything in my power to bring awareness to how evil and deadly you really are.  I will do everything I can to make sure that young women are aware that they are not immune to you.  You tried to kill me...you tried to destroy me...but you did not succeed.  You may be my enemy but as the saying goes...keep your friends closer, and your enemies closer.  I will make sure that I know you better than I have ever known anyone else.  I will make sure that I educate and empower women to know exactly who and what you are.  I may have looked in the mirror at one point, stripped of my physical features, at my lowest point, but you know what?  I appreciate them all so much more than most people ever would.  So, thank you!  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to inspire women through you.  Thank you for taking me to such a dark place only to shine a light on a purpose for me.  Just like you have left your mark on me...you can be sure as hell that I will leave my mark on you.  I am stronger than you...I have proved that.  You tried to start a war with me and I won.  You have empowered me to empower women to take control of their bodies, to embrace their journeys, and to always be aware what you can do to them.  I can assure you that somewhere along the line...I will save a woman's life because of you,  and I will make another woman's journey easier because I know what you put us through.   You have given me the opportunity in life to help other women, and to save another human beings life through my knowledge and experiences with you. I know what you feel like, I know what you did to me, I know what you've taken from me, but I also know what you've given to me.  For that...I am fortunate...so THANK YOU and FUCK YOU! 

Yours truly,

The beautiful...once bald bitch...who KICKED YOUR ASS!