Post Cancer Reality
I have been struggling with the idea of writing this blog post since These feelings have begun. What is finally motivating me to do it, is the fact that I KNOW I am not alone. It seems whenever I post anything on my social media sites, women reply with the exact emotions. So this might be my most vulnerable post yet. I might struggle emotionally to get through this one but I have to do this. Not only do I have to do this so that I can get this out of my head and share with EVERYONE these very real and scary feelings...but I absolutely need other women to open up and share your feelings at the bottom of this post. I also want anyone who knows someone going through cancer or post cancer to understand what this feels like from someone willing to share the truth.
Before I was diagnosed, I had this notion that something like this could NEVER happen to me. I am a good person, I put everyone before me, I have faith in God, I work out, I am healthy, bad things don't happen to good people. Most women who are diagnosed with breast cancer will tell you the same thing. Unfortunately, that is not how this all works. I will say the same thing I said when I first started this blog and I do not want this post to take any of that away because I believe it to still be true. I KNOW there is a reason for all of this. I still believe whole heartedly that this happened for a purpose and, in time, I know that purpose will become more clear. For now, I am going to pour my heart out to the world and I hope anyone reading this will take a minute to focus on yourself and let yourself feel whatever emotions you have inside and to not be afraid of what your friends, husband, parents, siblings, or any other family member might feel. You deserve to let it all out, you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling right now. I am allowed to feel everything I feel right now and so here it goes.
Some days, most days, I feel alone. The only time I truly feel like I am in my comfort zone anymore, is when I am speaking with someone who has been in my shoes. Whether that means I am speaking to a mentor, or women from my support group, it seems to be the only time that I feel "understood". The truth is, I am scared. I am sad, some days even depressed. I never thought this would be me. I don't believe that anyone who hasn't had cancer will understand this when I say it. I am happy, I am proud, and I am thankful that I am currently free of cancer. With that being said, just because I am free of cancer, does not mean it has all just disappeared. Some times I feel like the emotions post cancer can be more difficult to understand than the diagnosis itself. In truth, I think its just a completely different aspect of the emotions that come along with all of this. I think as we go through treatment we just look forward to the end. We look forward to the end of chemo, the end of surgeries, the end of radiation, and to hearing those beautiful words..."your pathology report came back, and we received clear margins, you are CANCER FREE". We never forget the date we were diagnosed, and we never will forget the date that we heard those words. But hearing those words doesn't erase that it ever happened.
When you go through something so difficult, so challenging, and so life altering, related to your health...I think its impossible to not fear going through it again. You see, when you haven't been through it, you have no idea what to expect. You are naïve to anything that comes along with it. Its no different than the idea that if you've never been skydiving, then you have no idea what its going to feel like to jump out of that plane. I had no idea what chemo would feel like or what it would do to me. It was pure hell for me. I will not lie. Not only am I scared that I might ever have to endure that type of hell ever again, but if my cancer comes back...it is my understanding that I will automatically be stage 4 and it would then become a chronic disease that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds pretty f'ing scary! I try not to think of it that way. I try to stay positive, enjoy my life, travel, do things I enjoy, and I find myself filling most of my days up with an endless list of nonsense just to get through the day without having a mental breakdown. To most looking in, I am doing quite well with this. Those that are closest to me, know that I am not doing so well with this. I put on a good show, which I am learning is only making this harder on me. I am one tough cookie but this has brought me to a place where I have started to question my own strength. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been told how strong I am. I am strong because I had no other choice. It was do or die. I chose "do" as most people would.
I believe this portion of my post might be the one paragraph every cancer survivor will want to share with their loved ones. So this is to all of my friends, family, loved ones, and to all of yours as well...
Cancer does NOT just disappear. Just because you see me living my life again, enjoying day to day activities, seeing pictures of me smiling, doesn't mean that is truly what is going on inside of me. Don't disappear on me. Don't leave me. I need your support still. I need hugs, and texts, and emails, and cards, and random messages that you are still there for me. I need you to still ask me if I am doing ok. On my bad days, I might need my space but that doesn't mean I don't need a hug still. On my bad days, I might be a bitch but that doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I am scared. It means that those negative thoughts have gotten the best of me on that day and I am doing my best to cope with them. When you see that look of sadness in my eyes, or if you haven't heard from me in awhile, call me...text me...send me some encouragement. Pray for me. Im not one to ever ask for attention. I don't want the attention because I crave to know that everyone in the world is worried about me. I crave to be reminded that I am loved and that in some small way it is understood that I am not 100% and that it might take awhile for me to get there. Some days I might be 100%, some days I might be at 50%. Don't disappear on me. If I ask anything from anyone, I will ask this. Be patient with me. I am learning to be patient with myself and teaching myself that it will take time to learn how to live this new life I have ahead of me. I am learning to live without fear and this is a daily challenge for me. I cannot find patience within myself if you cannot be patient with me as well. We (cancer survivors) still need everyone's love and support even after hearing those beautiful words. Its what continues to pull us through.
As time goes on I know this will get easier. I have to believe and have faith in that statement. When I was going through treatment, it was my protection...my armor...against my cancer spreading. Then I had surgery and it was the end all be all of this cancer being inside of me. I recovered from it all, and I am so fortunate and lucky to feel as great as I do physically but I don't have any of that armor anymore. My body will do whatever its going to do and I have to trust in God that he will protect me from here on out. I fear all of the little pains that come and go and pray to God they will go away on their own. I feel like he is the only one who can protect me now. I can only do so much for myself. I have had to learn how to live life differently. Drinking is horrible for breast cancer survivors and I have found myself trying to learn how to be the one sober person in the room while everyone is turning upside down acting like a total fool. I am doing my best to find new habits, new activities, and new friends who can enjoy those positive and healthy activities with me. I don't ever want to replace those who have been there with me through all of this, but I want them to all understand that I might not be the same person I was a year ago. I am still funny, I am still outgoing, I will still have a dance off with you, I will still give you the worst impression of whatever you ask me to, I will still care for you and love you the same way I did before, I will still be there for you, and I will find a way to live my life in a way that will bring me joy. But please do not turn the other way while I figure this out. Please continue to come on this journey with me and know that deep down I am still the same person I was before cancer tried to bring me down. There are just certain parts about me that may be different but I am going to believe that those certain parts are going to be better than ever before.
I am not going to chalk this pouring of emotions as a weakness on my behalf. Whether you have ever been diagnosed with cancer, or you know someone who has been diagnosed, or you are just having a difficult time in your life, you cannot ever be ashamed of it. I am learning this and I will continue to become better at knowing its okay to feel everything that I feel. I know there are a million other women out there who will agree to the majority of what I have said. I hope you will share your feelings and emotions below. Let this be your own sound off to get it out and share with those who might not really understand what you are going through. Use an anonymous name if you have to. I want EVERYONE to understand how real these feelings are, how random these ups and downs are, and some days are harder than others, but to know that we need your patience, compassion, and love to pull us through it.
Oh, the people you'll meet
I know I promised I would write more about my chemo this week, and I started to but then realized how negative I was being. While its important for me to be honest, and I will be, it was putting me in kind of a bad place emotionally. My 2nd chemo was a less than pleasant experience for me, and was a pivotal moment for me in my treatment. I promise to put that information out there but I really wanted to write about something a little more fresh on my mind this week....and something much happier!!!
I have always believed that certain people cross our paths for a specific reason. Whether it is for 1 minute or for a lifetime. I am one of those people who looks back and really appreciates the timeline of events and the people that have gotten me to where I am today. While there are definitely some people in my life I probably could have gone without meeting...I know in some crazy way God put that person in my life for a reason.
I am going to back track to the very beginning of my journey when I was told by that doctor there was no way I had breast cancer. She might be one of those people who I wonder why God would put them in my life. I have convinced myself it is because it is my job to encourage her to pay more attention to her patients and to not let a patient walk out of your door with clear and obvious signs of breast cancer. I have to say this, though. There is a reason that she did not diagnosis me. She wasn't meant to diagnosis me. I wasn't meant to fall in the hands of her care. What came from her not diagnosing me, was a team of doctors who God strategically put in front of me. There is no doubt he had a plan in store for me. When I called this specific doctor and told them about the lump I found, I was told to wait 3 weeks. This was not acceptable to me. I wanted answers immediately. I have inherited the lovely ability to have zero patience what so ever and this would be the first time it actually benefited me. I called my old OBYGN that same day, was scheduled the next day and diagnosed within a week.
Where I was once bitter that this other doctor had shown such little concern for my health...I have now realized that it was for the sole reason that I would fall in to the hands of the most amazing team of doctors. I didn't realize this until after my double mastectomy and this is why...
I was diagnosed by a doctor at Oak Hills Women's Center in San Antonio which neighbors a breast reconstruction clinic called PRMA. I was then referred to Dr. Rosenthal who would be my general surgeon, who would refer me to Dr. Lang, my amazing oncologist, who would then refer me to my plastic surgeon back at PRMA. I will come back to my plastic surgeon in a minute because that becomes a pivotal moment in all of this. I was not the patient who went and got 2nd opinions. While I definitely encourage women to do that, I had my husband and family with me at almost all of my initial appointments and we loved my doctors and trusted them immediately. When it came time to talk more seriously about my surgery, as I neared the end of my chemo, Dr. Lang asked me if I had talked with a plastic surgeon yet. I replied that I had only been referred to PRMA but not a specific dr. The way that she presented Dr. Ledoux to me was in a way that I had no doubt, without even meeting him, that he was going to be the perfect doctor for me. I don't know that I can put this in to words but it was almost in a way that she was referring me to her best friend, someone she trusted, someone she knew who was going to be a perfect fit for me and my personality.
This would be the beginning of how all of this would come full circle for me. When we left our first appointment with Dr. Ledoux, we all got in the car and said...well what did you think? Needless to say, we all approved. I wouldn't actually see Dr. Ledoux again until the morning of my mastectomy. What's odd is that you meet these doctors only once or twice before this major surgery but somehow they become such a huge part of your life. The morning of my surgery Dr. Ledoux came in to the pre-op room and talked with me for a few minutes and right before we would go back he asked if he could say a prayer with my family and I. We all held hands and I really only remember him asking for God to guide his hands as he would perform this surgery that day.
Because the few times that I have seen Dr. Ledoux since then have been a little happier, I have never expressed to him what that moment meant to me. I was sitting in that pre-op room crying, scared out of my mind. When he said that prayer, I was calmed. I knew that God was going to pull me through this and in that 6 hours that I would be under anesthesia, that I was in the hands of the absolute best doctors possible.
As you know from previous posts, I have been going through the difficult emotions you face after such a "traumatic" experience having cancer. I attended my first support meeting last night which happened to be held at my plastic surgeons office at PRMA. My nurse, Jenny, had encouraged me to go because the woman speaking was a patient of hers and she knew our stories were very similar. As I sat there listening to Staci's story, I felt like I was talking to myself. About 1/4 of the way through her story she asked that we try and focus on the similarities in our journeys and not the differences. This is a piece of advice that I highly encourage anyone to follow as you read my blog, listen to other survivors stories, and even as you're telling your own story. We may not all share the same exact journeys but I believe we all share the same scary feelings when it comes to a breast cancer diagnosis.
What I took away from this meeting and from hearing Staci's story, is not something I am sure I can explain. She was close to the same age as me at diagnosis and is now 14 years free of cancer. Knowing that there IS HOPE, that it IS POSSIBLE, that cancer is NOT a death sentence...and hearing that come from someone who has gone through every emotion I have felt is extremely encouraging. I would speak with Staci after for awhile and I truly felt like I was having a conversation with my best friend. For the first time, since I was diagnosed, I was having a conversation with someone who fully understood every single emotion I had. There is a certain range of emotions that come along with being diagnosed in your early 30's and finally relating to someone on that level was an amazing moment.
"We meet people when we are suppose to, when the time is just right".
If my journey had not taken the exact path that it did, I have no idea where I would be right now. I cannot say enough about my doctors or my nurses. I now feel as though they have become such a huge part of my life. They aren't just my doctors, they are my protectors, they are my guides, and I feel as though my nurses have become my friends. I don't know that I ever really appreciated the role of my doctors so much as I do now. Sure they receive a huge paycheck for what they do, but the compassion that comes along with that is not something you can put a price tag on. It takes a very special person to display that to someone going through such a difficult time in their lives. For my nurse, Jenny...her job isn't to listen to my emotional problems but she did. She knew that I needed to hear Staci's story and it all came at the perfect time. There is something to be said for that special attention that a doctor or nurse puts towards their patients.
Had I not been falsely diagnosed by the first doctor, I never would have met Dr. Anca...who would put me in the hands of the best surgeon for me...Dr. Rosenthal, who would send me to the best oncologist for me...Dr Lang, who would then place me in the hands of the most amazing plastic surgeon...Dr Ledoux and amazing nurse...Jenny who would introduce me to a women who I am confident will encourage me to life my life and find myself again. It was that part of her story that really spoke to me. In my mind, I had referred back to a few weeks ago when I wrote about finding your routine again post cancer. I am pretty sure I was just sitting there smiling, shaking my head "YES" the entire time. While I have sat here and wondered how I will find the routine, what will that routine be, who will I be after cancer, I realized that I don't have to answer that question right now. Right now, I just need to live and enjoy being alive. Its amazing how one person, and one hour can change your way of thinking. I am thankful for every single person who has been a part of this journey so far and I look forward to meeting so many more women, sharing my story, and encouraging women in a way that Staci has encouraged me.
With all this being said, I highly encourage anyone reading this to attend local support meetings. If the first one doesn't work out, try something else. There are tons of resources out there and so many options available to you. I am learning of new organizations daily. Whether it be through social media, going to support groups, or doing my own online research. It took me awhile to admit that I needed to attend a support meeting but it was clearly the best decision I could have made. You don't have to be ashamed or feel like its a sign of weakness. I spoke with a few women last night and I swear I could have sat there for hours sharing stories and laughing with them. Regardless of their age, we all share a very scary and life altering experience with one another. Most importantly, you NEVER know who you are going to meet along the way or what roll that person will take in your journey.
I am certain of one thing though. God has put some very special people in my life and I will forever be grateful for them all. I am certain if you look back at the people you have crossed paths with you will find purpose in every single one of them. I hope you have the opportunity to meet someone who inspires you, brings happiness, and gives you hope for your own personal journey.
Finding a routine post cancer
Last week I turned 34. I don't think I have ever been so happy to be a year older than I was this year. It was an emotional birthday for me, for many reasons. While I was so thankful for the day and felt so blessed that I was alive to even turn 34...I became emotional over the idea that my life isn't what it was when I turned 33. I have come to the realization that my life will never be the same. I know I have said it in previous posts, that us cancer warriors will never live the same life we had before, but it seems as though I am constantly teaching myself about this "new normal". Daily, I find myself just trying to figure this out. While the one side of me feels so damn lucky to see life the way I do now...I am challenged by trying to figure out where my new place in life is.
I think it is safe to say that before we heard the news we had cancer we lived our life in somewhat of a routine. Every day we wake up, we pretty much do the same thing we did the day before, and basically...our lives become a scaled down version of the movie Groundhog Day. Your alarm goes off at the same time everyday, you make coffee, go to work, come home, eat dinner, run kids around, and go to bed. Then you wake up and you do it all over again. Most people seem to take these simple daily tasks for granted. Then cancer happens...and your life suddenly becomes one big question mark with no set idea in your head for how the day ahead will go. All of those routines go flying out of the window and your just trying to figure out how to get through the day, wishing you had the ability to do half of those daily tasks. I think this begins from the very first day you get diagnosed. Whether your schedule has become filled with appointments yet or not, the emotional toll a cancer diagnosis takes on you is enough to send you off in to another world.
There are many points in life where you can look back and say you wish you would have done something different. I kind of wish I enjoyed high school a little more. I wish I would have played soccer longer. I wish I would have appreciated my parents more but on a side note, I have thankfully grown out of that and am very thankful for the amazing parents that I do have. I wish I would have cherished all of the amazing moments I got to experience as a child, as a teenager, and even as an adult. When I look back at my cancer, specifically fighting through chemo, I cant even imagine how I would have done anything any different than what I did. My worst side effect was fatigue. I spent A LOT of time in bed. I can look back and say, I wish I would have been more active through chemo, I wish I would have joined a support group, I wish I would have done this or done that. The fact of the matter is, I did the best I could. I know many women who go through chemo can probably relate to that. Every single day is different. I say all of this because I cannot honestly offer any sort of advice on what you should do to get through your chemo days. You just have to do whatever it is that feels right at the time. If it means sleep, you sleep. If it means read a book, read a book. If your able to workout one day, then workout, and if you cant workout for the next 10 then you don't workout until you can again. The whole point of this, is that a routine can be difficult while you go through chemo because every day is different both physically and emotionally. I think this might be what makes it so hard to find a routine post cancer. Finding yourself again, after all is said and done can be challenging.
Its for this reason, I feel as though the quote above is perfect for this particular post. Even post cancer, I find myself having days of total randomness. Some days, I have a hard time coping with what I just went through but the one thing I know every single day when I wake up...is that I have to keep moving forward. For me, moving forward means finding that "new normal", or my new routine, and accepting that it will take time to figure that out. This is something I am currently working on so there is no doubt it will be an ongoing lesson for me until I actually have something that works for me.
I am slowly realizing that it is important for me to discover the "new me". I have a hard time making set decisions on anything. Its almost like I just want everything to happen because I don't feel like putting the effort forth to think about anything. I know this is a sign of depression which absolutely sucks to even acknowledge or say out loud but I, personally, know I am doing my best. I have full intentions of doing everything I can to keep that depression from happening but it's real. It exists and I am not going to lie or be dishonest in this blog about what I am going through. I KNOW I am not alone and its important you know you are not alone either. It is also important to acknowledge your feelings and pay attention to them. When I say pay attention, I mean you have to do something about them or they will eat you away.
So, how do you find a routine post cancer? I am still learning but this is what I have come up with so far. First of all, be patient with yourself. Give yourself realistic expectations. Make lists of things that you want to accomplish and go through that list and check them off as you complete them. I think its rewarding and does so much for you mentally to see what you have accomplished for the day. Try and put one thing on that list you enjoy doing. If it means "read for 20 minutes" or "bake a cake" or "crochet a hat"...just try not to put a bunch of crap you need to get done just to get through the day on your list.
I am not going to tell you to have a set bedtime and set your alarm for the same time every morning. Why? Because, I know as well as the next cancer patient, that you take what you can get with your sleep. If I was confident I could get through a night with 8 hours of peaceful sleep, not waking up to a hot flash or with crazy thoughts going through my brain, then yes that might be an option. For now, I will enjoy whatever shut eye time is given to me.
I've found that I need to immediately put a note in my phone as soon as I think there is something that I need to do or else I will completely forget I ever had to do it. This includes everything, for example: "don't forget to finish the laundry" even after I just put it in the washer. For now, this is what I have to do.
Join a gym. It took me awhile to finally make this decision but I knew how good it would be for me, mentally. Not to mention, it lowers your risk of recurrence....so they say. Join a support group. Find different programs that are offered in your area for breast cancer patients. For example, in San Antonio, they offer a free workout program, artful healing classes, and free nutritional counseling. Not only do you get a great work out but you also open up the door to meet other women who are going through exactly what you are going through.
The reality is this. I have these moments where I think to myself...I cant believe I am at a place in my life where I need to join support groups and make lists so I don't forget to do things, and I need to think more carefully about the food I put in my mouth including alcohol, and I'm 34 and I have no clue what direction my life is going in currently. Following those thoughts is reminding myself...ITS OKAY!!!! Remind yourself of what you have just been through. No one is being as hard on you as you are being on yourself. So I will remind you...to give yourself realistic expectations each day. If you make yourself a list and you don't complete it, give yourself a break. Give yourself time to teach yourself a new routine. Give yourself time to find your new normal. Remind yourself of everything you have to be thankful for in that moment instead of focusing on the things that tore you up over the last several months. More importantly than anything else...Teach yourself how to be patient with you. I think its something very important for us to learn how to do. I've come to realize that I am putting way too much pressure on myself to be "normal" again when I don't even know what "normal" is right now. I don't know how long it will take for me to figure out what my "normal" is but I am confident I will figure it out. I am confident that I will learn how to live with all of this, it just may take time, and that's okay.
Ive realized that I am not going to learn how to live my life again overnight. Its going to take time but for today....if I cant fly, then I am going to run, and if I cant run then I am going to walk, and if I cant walk then I will crawl...and if for some reason I cant crawl...then I will just continue moving forward because the other option is giving up on life...and that just simply isn't an option. If nothing else...if nothing else at all...I will be thankful for the day that lies ahead.
Fill your schedule up with positivity and a positive mind will follow.
Call me CRAZY
First of all, the week break in my posts was because I was visiting family and friends over the last 10 days. I am pretty confident there weren't many people waiting by their computers on Monday for my post but I am going to trail off of my journey for this post.
I think the only way there will be any benefit to this blog is if my reader truly understands the feelings that a cancer patient goes through before, during, and after a diagnosis. Not only is writing in this blog therapeutic for me...I also know that I am not the only one experiencing these feelings. This may be an extremely vulnerable post but, again, if I am not being honest I am not benefiting anyone.
I do my best to stay positive. I hold my head up, and have a sense of pride for what I have been through. I truly do feel like a warrior. I feel like I battled the worst kind of war any human might ever battle. Sure, it could have been much worse, and I am so thankful it wasn't. Its those feelings that I try to remind myself of. I hold on to the fact that I am here. I am currently healthy. I am able to travel and see my friends and family, I have energy to walk daily and experience new things, and I have so much in my life to be thankful for...and in all of its simplicity....I AM ALIVE. I don't want any of this to come across as if I don't appreciate everything I have right now. I don't want it to come across as though all of my positivity and happiness is gone because it isn't.
There are no words that can describe how I felt when I received that phone call on April 8 telling me I no longer had cancer. In fact, I think it set me on a high for several weeks. Followed up by that high was continuously feeling better post surgery and knowing that some sense of normalcy was going to return to my life. Following that was the fact that I would soon see my brother marry his best friend, I would see much of my family I hadn't seen since my diagnosis, and I would visit my best friend as well. I was on cloud 9. After going through hell for 6 months...I had so much to look forward to and I was excited for every one of those moments to come. Seeing my family and friends for the first time, hugging them, knowing they were crying because they were just happy I was there...meant everything to me. I cant even imagine what emotions they were going through. There was not much they could do for me, other than "be there" for me while I went through everything.
Something happened last week and I am not sure that I can actually put it in to words but I can try. I am not sure that I can pinpoint why this happened but I have decided it's because that high may have temporarily worn off. I wondered if it was normal. I wondered if I put this out there, if a million other cancer survivors would step forward and admit that they went through these crazy feelings too. Crazy feelings...that's what it feels like. Its panic, its anxiety, its fear, its almost like an OCD feeling of what's wrong with me...something is wrong with me. My back hurts, my arm hurts, is there a bruise there...no there's not a bruise there...why does it hurt, my lymph node feels swollen, it hurts when I breathe...CANCER IS EVERYWHERE!!!! It sounds insane when I write that. I even find myself going through all of the facts and statistics. I had the most common type of breast cancer, that didn't spread to my lymph nodes and I had a great response to chemo. My pet scan didn't show cancer anywhere else. This is crazy thinking...I feel crazy! I feel crazy after typing all of that.
Not only was I dealing with those emotions, but I was also going through some of the physical obstacles as well. I know this all has to be perfectly normal. I'm watching my hair grow and I am so happy its growing...I really am...but I miss my long hair. I miss being able to put it in a ponytail and tucking it behind my ears. I find myself looking at these super cute short hair cut styles and I cant wait till I can rock one of those looks...but I'm quickly reminded its going to at least be another year before I can even do that. I don't even know where to begin with my mastectomy. It saved my life. That's the bottom line. For that I am so fortunate and thankful and blessed to have had the most amazing doctors to pull me through. At the end of the day, I have these insane looking lumpy rocks that look different every single day. I don't necessarily see the scars...that's not what gets me. They just aren't mine and currently they look like Frankenstein boobs. They aren't comfortable at all and I blame them for the majority of my back pain because that's way more realistic than the thought that I have cancer in my spine. Or maybe it isn't...I don't know. In that same breath...I flip my brain in the other direction. These expanders are a part of my journey, they are temporary, they will soon be gone...embrace them.
Maybe this is the Tamoxifen talking. I just know that this past week, I found myself spending a lot of time convincing myself that I was over analyzing every single little thing. I found myself feeling sad and worrying a lot. I am usually able to turn that all around as quickly as it comes but this past week was different. It left me wondering if this is what I have to live with now. Even that simple little thought scares me. Living with this much anxiety and fear...it seems pretty miserable to me. After speaking with one of my "breast" friends, Lynette, and hearing PTSD...it kind of made sense. Though I don't want to accept that it is something like that, it makes too much sense. I am thankful for women like Lynette in my life. Having other women who relate to every feeling I am experiencing is very comforting. I know I am not the only one who has these fears and I really want to open this particular blog post up to other women who are experiencing the same feelings. I think its extremely important for us all to know we aren't crazy, we aren't alone, and everything we are feeling is perfectly normal.
The quote I posted above is all I have to go on right now. I have to let my faith be bigger than my fears. I have to remind myself that I was given this path for a reason. I cannot let these fears consume me. It is so much easier said than done but I felt like it was important for me to get this out. I have full intentions of getting back on the horse with my "happy to be alive" attitude. I just cannot pretend that these feelings don't exist. I know all I can do is continue to eat healthy, work out, stay positive, and most of all...trust in God.
Being told you have cancer is something close to having your heart broken...probably worse. The only problem is you don't "move on" from this sort of broken heart. You become an entirely new person and while that new person may see life with the most amazing and clear perspective possible...you still have to figure out how to live with your new self...both physically and emotionally. Will your loved ones be accepting of the new you? Will they go on that roller coaster ride of emotions with you? Will they be patient with you while you go through all of the unexpected and confusing emotions? It is impossible that they could possibly understand exactly how we feel but that's why we have each other right? The only solace I find in any of this...is knowing I am not alone. I know these feelings are normal and I am not as crazy as I feel like I am. I really want to encourage anyone reading this to post your experiences below. Maybe you have some tips for how you get through these feelings, or maybe you just need to vent and let it all out. PLEASE DO!!!!