I didn't wake up planning on writing this. I woke up planning on driving 10 minutes to get my favorite coffee, working out, and then going to the doctor this afternoon. Every way I could have possibly gone to get my Caramel Monkeyata, was backed up in traffic. I kept turning around, trying to find a faster way. None worked. I think this was God's way of making his presence in my life this morning. Though I have never questioned what I am about to type...it was a pleasant reminder of many feelings and words, of which, need to be said.
As I was driving, taking my 10 different routes to get a simple little coffee, I put on my favorite artist, Sara Bareilles. Honestly, I have listened to this CD 10,396 times. I randomly put on a song called "I just want you". I listened to every single word of the song and couldn't help but lose it. By lose it, I mean, I couldn't see the road while I was driving because I was crying so hard. Don't worry, Mom, I'm home safe...typing this of course. Of the many times I have listened to this song...for some reason this morning...it took me to an amazing place that reminded me of something so important that cannot be left unsaid.
One side of this song made me think of my faith in God throughout my cancer. I have asked many times for him to continue to make his presence in my life, to give me strength to find simplicity again. As the song says:
"Give me a heart to hold the godlike truth
Give me one good soul that I can tell it through
Give me good reason to believe in you
And give me strength if you have time"
"Saying “Give it all back, it don’t mean a thing”
You got a short-lived life and a song to sing
And the only way up is believing
And never looking down"
I am so fortunate to have everything in life that I DO have. I have to pull away these thoughts that anything was every taken from me. I was and have been given so much in this life. For this, I am thankful and I will continue to remind myself of this daily. God put me in the hands of a man who took such great care of me through out the hardest time in my life. Through sickness and in health...this man truly lived up to that and I truly do thank God for bringing this man to me.
I have prayed, A LOT, through my cancer. Though I was brought up with a very religious mom...I am confident for many years I took my faith for granted. I will say that I am 100% confident that I am where I am right now because God has guided me here. When I think about the sequence of events that have taken place in the last several years...there is no other explanation. God presented the most amazing man to me. Don't get me wrong...we have our moments...oh boy do we have our moments. But, as the song says, at the end of the day "I just want you". My husband has been my rock, my boulder, my world.
I think its really hard to acknowledge our husbands as much as they should be acknowledged while we are going through this crap. They deserve more praise than any doctor I have seen. Yes, my doctors saved my life with medicine and guidance to make decisions that would one day hand me a cancer free diagnosis. My husband, however, has been my foundation through all of this. I truthfully do not know how I would have made it through any of that without him by my side. I cant even imagine how I would have gotten through the first day of my diagnosis, let alone chemo, and surgery, and the insanely absurd emotions that go along with it. You think PMS is bad? Try going through temporary menopause at 33 while on chemo, while your hair is falling out and your boobs are being chopped off. I am pretty sure I could have been a great villain in the next batman sequel. That's not what this is about though.
My husband will read this. My friends will read this, my family will read this, my husbands parents will read this. You should all know...this man saved my life and put up with a whole mess of me that neither of us ever expected. Though he thinks he was just doing what any husband would do for their wife....I sometimes wonder how he held it together for me. I think if I would have seen him break down any more than the few times that I did, I would have thought that I was dying. It was good to see him have his moments because it reminded me he was right there, fighting with me, but I am amazed at the strength he was able to pass on to me through out my journey. I know it wasn't easy for him to watch me go through any of that.
I am putting in this blog, what I cant seem to ever find the words to say. To my husband...Thank You will never be enough. I thank God for bringing you to me. I know there isn't another soul on this planet that could have pulled me through this the way you did. Knowing I was loved, being told I was beautiful while I was stripped of all of my physical qualities, picking me up and reminding me often how we will get through this together, supporting me and reassuring me daily that everything will be okay...are all reasons why you own my whole heart. We have been on one insanely crazy roller coaster together and I am unsure of when we are going to get off of this damn thing but as long as your on it with me...I am happy. Who I would be right now, without you, is a thought I cant even process. I honestly have a million more things that I could say. I don't even know how to move on from this portion of the blog but I am sure by now he is probably crying reading this so I will end with it there. Thank you for being my rock...and just like you did in the photo above...thank you for picking me up and carrying me through the absolute most challenging time in my life.