First of all, the week break in my posts was because I was visiting family and friends over the last 10 days. I am pretty confident there weren't many people waiting by their computers on Monday for my post but I am going to trail off of my journey for this post. I think the only way there will be any benefit to this blog is if my reader truly understands the feelings that a cancer patient goes through before, during, and after a diagnosis. Not only is writing in this blog therapeutic for me...I also know that I am not the only one experiencing these feelings. This may be an extremely vulnerable post but, again, if I am not being honest I am not benefiting anyone. I do my best to stay positive. I hold my head up, and have a sense of pride for what I have been through. I truly do feel like a warrior. I feel like I battled the worst kind of war any human might ever battle. Sure, it could have been much worse, and I am so thankful it wasn't. Its those feelings that I try to remind myself of. I hold on to the fact that I am here. I am currently healthy. I am able to travel and see my friends and family, I have energy to walk daily and experience new things, and I have so much in my life to be thankful for...and in all of its simplicity....I AM ALIVE. I don't want any of this to come across as if I don't appreciate everything I have right now. I don't want it to come across as though all of my positivity and happiness is gone because it isn't. There are no words that can describe how I felt when I received that phone call on April 8 telling me I no longer had cancer. In fact, I think it set me on a high for several weeks. Followed up by that high was continuously feeling better post surgery and knowing that some sense of normalcy was going to return to my life. Following that was the fact that I would soon see my brother marry his best friend, I would see much of my family I hadn't seen since my diagnosis, and I would visit my best friend as well. I was on cloud 9. After going through hell for 6 months...I had so much to look forward to and I was excited for every one of those moments to come. Seeing my family and friends for the first time, hugging them, knowing they were crying because they were just happy I was there...meant everything to me. I cant even imagine what emotions they were going through. There was not much they could do for me, other than "be there" for me while I went through everything. Something happened last week and I am not sure that I can actually put it in to words but I can try. I am not sure that I can pinpoint why this happened but I have decided it's because that high may have temporarily worn off. I wondered if it was normal. I wondered if I put this out there, if a million other cancer survivors would step forward and admit that they went through these crazy feelings too. Crazy feelings...that's what it feels like. Its panic, its anxiety, its fear, its almost like an OCD feeling of what's wrong with me...something is wrong with me. My back hurts, my arm hurts, is there a bruise there...no there's not a bruise there...why does it hurt, my lymph node feels swollen, it hurts when I breathe...CANCER IS EVERYWHERE!!!! It sounds insane when I write that. I even find myself going through all of the facts and statistics. I had the most common type of breast cancer, that didn't spread to my lymph nodes and I had a great response to chemo. My pet scan didn't show cancer anywhere else. This is crazy thinking...I feel crazy! I feel crazy after typing all of that. Not only was I dealing with those emotions, but I was also going through some of the physical obstacles as well. I know this all has to be perfectly normal. I'm watching my hair grow and I am so happy its growing...I really am...but I miss my long hair. I miss being able to put it in a ponytail and tucking it behind my ears. I find myself looking at these super cute short hair cut styles and I cant wait till I can rock one of those looks...but I'm quickly reminded its going to at least be another year before I can even do that. I don't even know where to begin with my mastectomy. It saved my life. That's the bottom line. For that I am so fortunate and thankful and blessed to have had the most amazing doctors to pull me through. At the end of the day, I have these insane looking lumpy rocks that look different every single day. I don't necessarily see the scars...that's not what gets me. They just aren't mine and currently they look like Frankenstein boobs. They aren't comfortable at all and I blame them for the majority of my back pain because that's way more realistic than the thought that I have cancer in my spine. Or maybe it isn't...I don't know. In that same breath...I flip my brain in the other direction. These expanders are a part of my journey, they are temporary, they will soon be gone...embrace them. Maybe this is the Tamoxifen talking. I just know that this past week, I found myself spending a lot of time convincing myself that I was over analyzing every single little thing. I found myself feeling sad and worrying a lot. I am usually able to turn that all around as quickly as it comes but this past week was different. It left me wondering if this is what I have to live with now. Even that simple little thought scares me. Living with this much anxiety and fear...it seems pretty miserable to me. After speaking with one of my "breast" friends, Lynette, and hearing PTSD...it kind of made sense. Though I don't want to accept that it is something like that, it makes too much sense. I am thankful for women like Lynette in my life. Having other women who relate to every feeling I am experiencing is very comforting. I know I am not the only one who has these fears and I really want to open this particular blog post up to other women who are experiencing the same feelings. I think its extremely important for us all to know we aren't crazy, we aren't alone, and everything we are feeling is perfectly normal. The quote I posted above is all I have to go on right now. I have to let my faith be bigger than my fears. I have to remind myself that I was given this path for a reason. I cannot let these fears consume me. It is so much easier said than done but I felt like it was important for me to get this out. I have full intentions of getting back on the horse with my "happy to be alive" attitude. I just cannot pretend that these feelings don't exist. I know all I can do is continue to eat healthy, work out, stay positive, and most of all...trust in God. Being told you have cancer is something close to having your heart broken...probably worse. The only problem is you don't "move on" from this sort of broken heart. You become an entirely new person and while that new person may see life with the most amazing and clear perspective possible...you still have to figure out how to live with your new self...both physically and emotionally. Will your loved ones be accepting of the new you? Will they go on that roller coaster ride of emotions with you? Will they be patient with you while you go through all of the unexpected and confusing emotions? It is impossible that they could possibly understand exactly how we feel but that's why we have each other right? The only solace I find in any of this...is knowing I am not alone. I know these feelings are normal and I am not as crazy as I feel like I am. I really want to encourage anyone reading this to post your experiences below. Maybe you have some tips for how you get through these feelings, or maybe you just need to vent and let it all out. PLEASE DO!!!!
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I had a really hard time picking out which photo I would use for this blog post. It was an emotional day for me. Its been an emotional journey for me. It is for all of us who are battling any sort of cancer. Not only do we have to cope with the idea that we have "CANCER" but its everything that happens along with it. It's not just your health that's taken from you, its everything else. I chose the most powerful photo I could find and that was my "fuck you" cancer moment. I was. literally, taking the power back in to my own hands in this moment. This whole day was so emotional for me, but I am so thankful I had my closest friends and family to hold my hand and keep me smiling through it. It was about 2 weeks after my initial diagnosis that I would find out chemo was a part of my treatment plan. I don't know that I really understood what that meant but my doctors made it clear that I would lose my hair. Maybe I thought I would be immune to that side effect, I don't know. Maybe I was still in disbelief that any of this was really happening. By this time, my mother and father had arrived to get me through those first days of my diagnosis. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we were all just going through the motions in those first few days. Everyone is different when it comes to how they choose to cope with the inevitable loss of their hair. Most women have a hard time cutting an inch off during a typical trim session but here I am trying to accept the fact that I am going to lose all of it. I have to somehow imagine myself bald. If you haven't read my "about me" section yet, you can see how beautiful my hair was. At the time, I felt like I was about to lose a limb. Looking back now, that was just silly. Its true, though. Even if you haven't had cancer and your a friend or family member of someone going through this...truthfully...this part of cancer might actually be harder than the diagnosis itself. Cancer had already stripped me of so much in those first 2 weeks. I, personally, was not willing to sit back and watch as cancer took my hair too. I knew, almost immediately, that I was going to take matters in to my own hands. So I did it in the most powerful, controlling way that I could. I had a "shave party". I had a few friends, my mom, my husband, and my stepdaughter with me. All people I knew who would be a part of carrying me through the journey ahead. This choice isn't for everyone. I support whatever decision you make to cope with your hair loss. Some women want to hold on to whatever hair they can through out their chemo. I've read and heard of women wearing cold caps which are said to help hold on to your hair. I want to share with you why I made this decision with the understanding that this is just one part of my journey. There is no right or wrong decision when it comes to how you will handle losing your hair. Even though I was told I would most likely lose my hair 16 days after my first chemo, I chose to have my shave party as soon as possible. I had my head shaved about a week before my first chemo, approximately 3 weeks before I would even lose my first strand. In that moment, it was all I could do to take some sort of control back from cancer. I was not willing to let cancer rip my hair off my head. If anyone was going to do that, it was going to be me. I didn't want it to be a traumatic experience for me. I wanted it to be "fun". I wanted to smile at it. To me, it was like smiling at the devil and telling him..."you think you have me, you think your taking me down, but this is my story, not yours". I can say that the shave party made the initial loss of my hair a little easier. It was nice having my friends there to cry with me, to laugh with me, and to hold my hand. It was Friday, 18 days after my first chemo. I was showering and I washed what little hair I had leftover on my head. This was the exact moment I was trying to avoid by shaving my head. I knew those little stubbles would fall out eventually, and it very well may have been easier than waking up with clumps of my hair on my pillow, but it still wasn't easy. I scrubbed my head and I felt the hair on my hands. I opened my eyes, looked down, and there it was. My hands were covered in little stubbles. I am not going to lie, I cried. I lost it. I don't know if it was because I still had this idea that it just wasn't going to happen to me. I think it was just the reality of, okay this is really happening, I am really going to lose my hair, I am really going to be...bald. I immediately got out of shower, screamed for my mom, and we pulled out the men's beard shaver and spent about an hour getting rid of as much as we could so that I wouldn't have to go through that again. For those that have lost your hair...you'll totally get what I am about to say. For those that are preparing for it, you may or may not experience this. There is a feeling you get before you lose your hair. Its weird. The best way I can describe it is the way your head feels after you take a really tight ponytail down and your follicles are sore (or something). I was kind of prepared for a "feeling" but I didn't know what it would "feel" like to lose your hair like that. When I started to feel that, I knew it was coming. So after I did that final shave, I was given another tip. Oh these tips, how we love these "tips". The joys of dealing with cancer and chemo and all of these crazy little tips we are given to cope with all of these crazy things that are happening to us. Take this, drink that, use this not that, don't eat this but make sure you eat something. So here's an interesting tip I was given. Buy a lint roller. Huh? Yep! When you start to feel that "feeling", run the lint roller over your head in the morning and at night. This process might take a couple of weeks before it all comes out, but it'll eliminate a lot of that semi painful feeling of losing your hair. I am not sure I would suggest this if you have chosen to hold on to your long locks. That might make it hurt more. To wig or not to wig? I am not going to touch on this subject for too long. My mom purchased a very expensive wig for me. While I loved it, and in the moment it was everything I could do just know I would have hair there if I needed it, I only actually wore it a few times. Personally, I don't suggest you spend a ton of money on a wig but this is another one of those decisions you will make in that moment regardless of any advice you are given. Do what feels right for you in that moment. For my mom...I feel horrible I didn't wear my wig more but I know that she was willing do anything for me at any cost to take away my pain. That was priceless for her in that moment, and priceless for me in that moment. Your choice to purchase a wig, is just that, your choice. My personal advice might be to wait until your actually wishing you had one before you spend a ton of money, or to buy a less costly one until you determine how often you will wear it. So this is where I am going to end this very emotional portion of my journey. Know that this is just another step of your journey. I promise you, your hair does not define you. This certainly was not something that happened overnight for me...so give yourself time to get here...just know its possible. You are about to discover a beauty inside of yourself that you never thought was possible. I know it doesn't seem like it when it happens, I know how hard it can be, I felt what you feel...what you felt. You will learn to love yourself without hair. You might fear walking out of the house without your wig, or without your head scarf but I am going to encourage to do it at least once. I did it once, and said goodbye to all of my scarves and hats at that point for good. I will talk about that more as I get further in to my journey. I just want you to all know how amazing you are, how beautiful you are, how strong you are, and to find it within you to truly embrace the fact that your hair does NOT define your beauty. You are of the few people who will ever get to see how beautiful their head is, how beautiful your face is without your hair hiding your eyes. Cry because its awful to have to go through the loss of your hair, but look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are. Once you embrace that beauty, I promise you will start to discover a whole new you. Beauty really does come from within and I truly believe that cancer, if anything, will introduce you to a beauty in life, a beauty within yourself, and in others...that you never even thought possible. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross There are so many issues that run through my mind and sometimes I just want to sit at this computer typing nonstop until I get it all out. Ill be on a breast cancer site, read a current struggle of a women who's about to start chemo or who is about to have surgery, and I want to jump right to that topic so I can help them cope. I have to start somewhere though, and so I will start from the beginning. I promise to clarify that title as you read through this and future posts. First, I would like to welcome you. I am confident, as my reader, you will experience every emotion possible as you read through this blog. In my opinion, what makes a great movie, is just that. Having those range of emotions from up to down and back again. So I will use that same theory while I share with you all...MY BALD BLOG.
Several times, I told myself that I was going to start this blog. I even sat down, for hours, typing up random nonsense about my breast cancer. I always knew I wanted my story to serve a purpose that was more than just informing my family and friends of where I was at and how I was feeling. As I am typing with a clearer, chemo free brain, I don’t have one specific reason why I am doing this. I have several. Maybe this blog will save a life, maybe this blog will help another 30 something battling cancer, maybe this blog will touch another woman who is scared to lose her hair, and maybe this blog will just be a place where my family and friends visit to hear more about my journey. I am pretty confident as you read through this, if nothing else, you will take that extra second in the day to appreciate the life you have surrounding you. For my fellow “pink sisters”, as they call them…I promise to open myself up to you and help you as much as I can with your fight. Chemo is brutal. I don’t care what anyone says. Cancer is brutal…everything about it. The emotions, the fears, the list of endless questions that lack any clear answers, the physical challenges we face, and the loss of any sort of “normalcy”. My life and your life, is forever changed. One thing I hope you will learn from me is that it can be the beginning of an amazing life for you. For those that know me, you know I have a terrible memory. I can go back to the day I was diagnosed and there is not one detail about that day that I have forgotten. One of the clearer moments in that day was when I walked in to my house after coming home from the doctors office. I turned to my husband and almost fell to my knees while I was screaming “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME”. I cant tell you how many times I asked that question to whomever it was that was listening at the time, even if it was just me and God. I think this is a question that everyone has asked themselves at least one time in their lives. On those bad days when nothing seems to be going right, we throw our hands up, look up at the sky and say WHY ME? You know you’ve done it. That day, when I almost fell to my knees screaming my “why, why whys”, I wanted an answer in that moment. I wanted some magical power to just put a billboard in front of me that said “THIS IS WHY”. The only thing I had in that moment, was my husband. He caught me before my knees hit the floor and pulled me back up and said to me, “I don’t know why this is happening to us, I don’t know”. We cried together not having a clue where this journey would take us. We had no idea what was even going on. Every single minute that went by without an immediate answer to our questions seemed like hours. Answers don’t come at 2AM in the morning when your lying there staring at the ceiling. The only place your going to find them is on the internet, which just leads to more fears and questions. Though you have never, and may never be diagnosed with cancer you’ve had those moments. This is life. It happens. Ask why all you want, but I can promise you that the answer will never be simple. I am confident, after going through this, that this was always meant to happen. Not “to me” but “for me”. This happened for me to become a better person, for me to enjoy life to its fullest, for me to not live in fear of everything, for me to help other women, for me to “be me” again. Life happens and we lose ourselves. We become so caught up in our day to days that we forget what’s important. None of us will ever become experts at living life. It is an unpredictable journey. I promise to write about my journey and inspire, encourage, and educate my readers. I promise to answer any questions my readers might have for me. If you are currently in your own fight, I hope that I can help you in any small way that I can. Please ask all of the questions you’d like. Please remember, I am not a doctor or psychologist though. I am only offering you information, advice, encouragement, and inspiration with regards to my own personal experience. If you are a family or friend of someone currently battling cancer, I hope that through my own experiences, I can help you lift them up through their journey. I know, sometimes, its hard to find the right words to say or the right things to do. For me, my breast cancer was the beginning of a new life for me. 6 months ago, I didn’t know that. It seemed incomprehensible that what was happening would one day make any sense. Even in this moment, it doesn’t make perfect sense. I am still trying to put the pieces together of where it will all take me. I am clear on the idea that I will donate myself to helping other women who are and will face the same challenges I have, and the same challenges I will have going forward. I am clear on the idea that I will encourage women to embrace every single moment of their journey, from that first head shave to that first new hair strand. I am clear on the idea that this life that was given to me is beyond my control. I will forever be grateful for the lessons cancer has taught me. I have been given a second chance to enjoy life with a completely different outlook. I have been blessed with the opportunity to help others – and for that I am thankful. “I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it” |
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