Today...I turn one

Here I am looking at the day on this blog post...11/7.  One year ago today I woke up knowing that I was going to walk in to that doctor's office, and knowing that I was going to be told I didn't have breast cancer.  The hardest part of this for me, was that I had never been so confident about anything in my life.  I had never been so sure.  I am not sure if it was because I had this notion that there was just NO way I had cancer...NO WAY not me...or if I was trying to throw a blanket over a harsh reality to comfort me for the time being.  This day last year is one of the most vivid moments through out my journey.  I am not sad today.  I thought I would be.  I thought I would feel those feelings again, but right now I don't.  I wanted to write this blog today to document how 1 year feels for me and next year when I turn 2 I'll do the same...and so on until I am old and gray in my rocking chair.  Though there is a lot of time left in this day and my feelings may alter as the day goes on...in this very moment...the present moment...I choose to feel blessed that I have today.  I choose to feel blessed that I have been given another year to survive. 


I woke up this morning and almost forgot what today was.  Then it dawned on me...last year on this day I heard the words every person in the world fears.  I have anticipated this day since October 1 of this year.  Why?  Because, for me, my journey actually began the day I felt my tumor. In that moment, when I felt that lump and my stomach dropped...it was the first moment that I ever even considered that I might have cancer.  The last year has been one of the most challenging of my life and what I am thankful for today...is that I made it through.

But how am I feeling 1 year later and what challenges am I dealing with today?  Well, the fears of recurrence sometimes consume me.  Sometimes to the point where I just want to stay in bed all day.  Those thoughts are exhausting to say the least.  It's like a never ending marathon that goes on in side of my brain.  I have been attending weekly therapy sessions which my insurance does not cover.  The medical bills continue one year after my diagnosis.  Its necessary though.  I am currently receiving a therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  I will let you do your own research on that, however, it is focused on PTSD.  Has it helped?  Absolutely.  I have slowly learned to accept the fact that I do not have control over this life.  I have learned that I cannot marinade myself in those fears because it affects everything else that surrounds me.  I don't eat well, I don't work out, I am tired all of the time, I am stressed all of the time,  I don't sleep well, and I am in a constant state of worry.  Really, its the classic symptoms of depression but I have learned that all of those are choices I make.  I have fought the idea of taking anti-depressants and will continue to do so for as long as I can. I have made the decision to change the things that I can and I have done just that. 

Really, I have only acknowledged the changes I need to make in the last 3 weeks.  I wish someone told me how long it would take for my body to recover from chemo.  For a short period of time after chemo was done (9 months ago)...I must have felt like a million dollars because chemo fatigue was indescribable and for me, one of my 2 worst side effects.  So when chemo was done, I had all kinds of energy I wasn't used to.  I started to live my life again, as if I never had cancer.   I would fill up my days with these to do lists that really just became my mask for whatever fears I had that day.  The busier I was, the less I would worry right?  The answer is no because it would always catch up with me after 2 days and I would be so tired, and so hypersensitive to every little thing, that I would find myself crying because I was sure I had cancer again. When really, it was my body struggling to function because I had exhausted myself with way too many things.  In the last 3 weeks, I have learned to slow down.  I have learned its okay to sleep for 12 hours, to go to bed at 8PM on a Saturday night while everyone else is up drinking, to only do 3 things a day instead of 200.  I have a clearer brain now that I have started to slow down and its not running rampant all of the time.  With a clearer brain, comes clearer and more rational thoughts.  Where that headache used to be an obvious sign that my cancer had spread...has now been rationalized to...its raining outside, you haven't drank any water today, do that, take a pain pill if that doesn't work, and rest. 

Another thing that is new to me in the last week...are triggers.  I put on a sweatshirt last week that I hadn't worn since chemo.  We used to use a different laundry detergent then...one of which we cannot and will not ever use again.  The smell took me to such an awful place.  It reminded me of the drives to chemo treatments when I was scared out of my mind and dreading what the next 10 days were going to be like.  I tried to leave it on because I wanted to face this but I found myself slowly going in to panic mode and realized what I was doing wasn't making sense.  There is no sense in torturing myself to prove a point.  The fact of the matter is...I am going to have these triggers.  The colder weather, the smells in the air, certain soaps...there are always going to be reminders surrounding me.  So I ripped the sweater off, threw it in the dirty laundry, panicked for about 10 minutes and out loud told myself, "You are in your bathroom right now, you don't have cancer, its Halloween, your going to have fun tonight, your healthy, your cancer free".  My husband had seen that something got to me and asked me what was wrong.  His hugs are always so comforting to me and so I cried for a minute and moved on with the day.  It was the first time I had really noticed a trigger like that but I am proud of how I handled it.  I can tell you that my EMDR therapy is definitely the reason that I was able to rationalize that moment in my head. 

So today...I am 1 year old.  My life started over 1 year ago.  In that moment, I didn't know it was happening and I didn't realize it until recently.  I am a different person now.  I am a better person now.  I realize and appreciate the love of my family, the love of my husband, and the love of my friends more now, than ever before.  I have a certain patience I didn't have before though its unlikely I will ever be cured of impatience. Its not in my blood, but I am able to slow down and see life with a more thoughtful and thankful eye.  I appreciate the moments I get to pick up my camera and capture the smiles and laughter of perfect strangers.  I appreciate the ability to cook a healthy meal and pretend like I am Betty Crocker in the kitchen.  I am so thankful for the people that this journey has introduced in to my life.  Stand in a room with 30 cancer survivors and I promise you, you will be surrounded by strength, beauty, smiles, but most of all...appreciation.  As horrible as cancer is, when your faced with what feels like death at the time, you are quickly reminded of what this life has to offer and not to take it for grant it. I wish the world could understand that. Though I don't wish cancer upon anyone, I always say, that I wish the world could see life through the eyes of a cancer survivor.  We'd all be a little more patient, a little more thankful, and a little more sincere to each other. 

Though at times, and on my bad days, I have a hard time finding the smiles inside...I know those are the days I have to find the most patience with myself.  In some ways, cancer has changed me but I will not allow it to change all of me.    In fact, I have a fortune cookie message that is taped on my computer screen that says "Always accept yourself the way that you are".  That message applies to so many moments in my journey. From the moment I shaved my head, to the first time I went in public bald, to accepting my body after cancer invaded it, loving my body after a double mastectomy, and accepting that every day is not going to be easy. They say you become a survivor on the day you were diagnosed. That is the day you started surviving cancer, and fighting for your life. I didn't do it alone though. I have survived this last year because of my husband, my mom and dad,  my 4 best friends (Cassidy, Heather, Kelly, and Jen), my brothers, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, my neighbors, and old friends.    The special care packages that always brought tears to my eyes, the reminders of love from heaven, the words of encouragement, and mostly with their love and patience.  Today, that is what brings tears to my eyes.  Its not the fact that I had cancer.  Its the fact that I was surrounded by more love than most people will ever truly understand.  1 year later, that love and support is still there and I am so thankful for every single moment I am given to spend with each of them.

For most, January 1 is when your year starts over.  For me, its November 7.  November 7, 2013...is when I became a cancer survivor.  I am optimistic and confident, for the first time since I was diagnosed, that this will get easier as more time passes.  I ask for continued prayers, continued support, continued patience, and continued love as I continue on this journey to finding myself after cancer.  Next year, when I turn 2, I hope that I can write in this blog with the same appreciation for life that I have in this moment right now.  I hope that I can tell you I am running a 5K with no pain, that 8 hours of sleep gets me by just fine, that these aches and pains have started to subside, and that I am feeling like my old self again.  Though there is a very bold line that separates Jen before cancer, and Jen after cancer...I am still me.  There will always be those parts about me that will never change, that will always be who I am regardless of cancer. I will not let cancer define me.  I am still the caring, forgiving, stubborn, impatient (but less impatient), hard headed, outspoken, shy most of the time, funny, sarcastic, and  one of the most honest people you will ever meet.  Though at times I am tested in weakness,  I am stronger than ever before.  After all, I did kick cancers ass. I'm kind of a badass in that sense.  1 year later - I am the hero of this story.