It's okay not to be okay...OK???

I think that phrase really says it all. What more do I really even need to write about?  

I’ll start off with asking if you are you ok with NOT being ok? What’s the honest answer to that question? If your answer is 100% yes, I am ok with not being ok, then this post is likely not for you. If your honest answer is no, I’m not ok with not being ok, then I give you permission to continue.  

I think the hardest part of admitting you’re not ok, is the vulnerability it takes to let that be known. First and foremost, you have permission to not be ok and you need to give yourself that; there truly is power in giving yourself that grace. No one expects you to be happy and positive at all times, and if you are, then I question how genuine of a person one might be. I am not saying run out of your house and tell the world you aren’t ok.  I am just simply saying that you dont always have to have your shit together, and you deserve plenty of forgiveness in admitting this to yourself.

I know everyone is different but I want to share my experience with this battle in my brain. I’M GUILTY!!! (Insert raising hand emoji here) I am aware that many women look to me to shine that ray of sunshine in their lives. What most dont see, are the hard days. The ones where I hide in my closet and cry. The days where it is nearly impossible to get out of bed or the ones where I have to force myself to simply take a shower and put make up on and force some sort of normalcy for the day. Newsflash!!!!  I’m not always ok. I’m not always positive. I’m not always traveling, or happy, or giving my all to everyone around me. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in my own brain with fear and sadness that I become paralyzed and being a wife, mom, and friend are nearly impossible.  For awhile, I felt guilty for feeling that way. I put so much pressure on myself to just be happy I was alive and implementing my own practices of being grateful for the simple, small things. That technique doesn’t always work and THAT’S OKAY!!!  The art of accepting “Its ok not to be ok” is full of good intent, however, at times, a major struggle. 

I wish every problem we had could just be tossed out a window or in to a fire, and it would be gone. Since we all know that isn’t possible, I will go ahead and give you permission to scream and cry at the top of your lungs instead. The chances of that making your problems go away, is probably zero as well, HOWEVER…

I want to be ok for everyone around me. I want to be ok for my kids, for my family, and my friends. I want to be ok for the women who look to me for advice. I want to be ok because I dont want to waste my time here on earth NOT being ok. That is a lot of internal pressure to “be ok”. If I dont give the impression that I am ok, then how does that filter over to everyone else? Will they worry?  
Who do you feel the need to be ok for? Think about that: take a moment to think about the burden you’re putting on yourself by acting as if you’re ok all of the time. The overwhelming feeling of constantly bottling the reality of your feelings and struggles inside. It’s a ticking time bomb and one that will inevitably explode. Unless you’re in the business of firing off bombs in the middle of the desert with no one around, this isn’t good for anyone, especially you.  

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY! Repeat that until you believe it. Repeat that until you accept it.  Let yourself feel all of the feelings necessary to move through that and give yourself permission to move forward. I have learned that when I’m holding on to my feelings, it manifests anxiety, which then turns to guilt because I know it’s holding me back from being the best version of me. However, there is something to be said for accepting that you’re not ok. It’s the first step in allowing yourself to move forward in whatever manor you feel is best.  

Give yourself that privilege. Give yourself some love. You owe yourself as much,if not more love, than you give others. Don’t forget to internally verbalize that love while your accepting that you’re not ok. Sometimes, a little self-love is all it takes to realize that underneath all of that mush, is an amazingly beautiful and loving wife, friend, mother, and human being.  
You are human. You are not perfect.  Perfection shouldn’t be a goal. Patience, grace, acceptance, and happiness should be.  These are all word that I constantly have to remind myself of. Acceptance that it’s ok not to be ok. Patience in allowing myself to process whatever it is that I may be holding on to. Grace in knowing that may take some time.  And the most important part, in my opinion: happiness. The simple privilege that I owe it to myself, YOU owe it to yourself,  to feel happy, to feel at peace, to feel ok again.  That time will come, and there is no timeline that anyone, not even yourself, can put on that. 

I grant you permission to give yourself permission to not be ok, and I encourage you to love yourself enough to be ok with that. The sun will ALWAYS shine again, and everything will once again, be ok.