Embracing a feeling

Im partially writing this in tears and typing as fast as I can to document this feeling I have.  

I have spent the last month raising money for our gala.  I had these goals in my head and I wondered if I was setting myself up for failure with such high goals.  It scared me because I don’t want to let anyone down.  I honestly did not realize how much I would learn about myself in the process.  As I sit here right now, for the first time in a really long, I feel good and I feel really proud of myself.  

I speak to women all the time, I visit them during their chemo treatments, I make pillows and drain bags for them, I offer my advice, I do the best I can to make someone else’s journey a little easier.  In my mind, if I can save them from making a mistake I made, or helping them cope with a side effect they might have, or just simply being there for them in a way that I did not really have…then it brings me a sense of joy.  

That sense of joy and happiness that I feel never really registered until this last week.  On Friday, I had intentions of visiting a couple girls in the chemo room and ended up meeting 4 other young survivors randomly.  I have been told more than once how incredible it is what I am doing.  I guess I just never really saw it that way.  I guess I just looked at it as something I needed to do and something that I was meant to do.  I really don’t know what else I should be doing - as if this is just what my current purpose is.  I am honored on so many levels that these women welcome me in to their journey and they find trust in me to carry them through their journeys as best I can.  I know I can’t help everyone and I can’t do everything, and I have learned thats ok. 

Im emotional because of all the times I have been thanked, or given hugs, or have been told I am a gift from God to someones journey…A gift from God???  All of those amazing compliments I received, it never really hit me until now.  I am not sure how to explain it because it is just who I am.  Who I have pretty much always been.  I was raised to give more than I receive so it has always just been embedded in my blood.   I am confidently no longer asking why did this happen to me.  I feel blessed to have found purpose in all of this.  It is an interesting feeling because there are days that I struggle and I am so angry at how cancer has changed me.  But when I am able to to sit away from myself for a minute…and I am able to acknowledge everything that I am doing because of cancer touching my life.  It all starts to just simply make sense in some crazy way.  

God has made his presence and I have seen his hand at work so much through out this process. From the people he has placed in my life, the stories that have been shared, the opportunities that have been placed in front of me…none of this is by coincidence and it really just makes me feel (deep breath)…….safe.  

I never expect anything in return for what I do but the support Pink Warrior Angels has received is so far beyond any feeling I could ever put in to words.  I guess it is a feeling of validation…knowing people believe in our mission and trust in what we are doing for those currently battling this horrible disease.  As much as I would love to save the world and never have to watch someone struggle through this battle, I know that will never be a realistic goal.  The fact of the matter, is that breast cancer is fearfully becoming more and more common, especially in younger women.  It comes as a complete blow to your life.  Some of us face infertility, have our careers taken away from us, have children we have to explain a disease to, and various other challenges.  It’s sad, it breaks my heart, and for the most part, I cannot believe that I have had to face all of those challenges.  I believe it is why I have been able to relate on so many various levels to other women.  

There is clearly a lack of attention and support to how much breast cancer affects the lives of everyone involved from warriors to co-survivors and everyone in between.  I am so incredibly proud of where Pink Warrior Angels is headed.  Putting together this gala has really showed me that anything is possible as long as you put your heart, your soul, your passion and your determination in to it.  This Gala and Pink Warrior Angels, is all of that to me. April 8th is going to be an incredible evening.  It will be emotional, it will be a celebration, It will be a night filled with honor to all of those affected by breast cancer.  

For the first time in a really long time, I feel proud.  Not just proud of myself but proud of New Braunfels and San Antonio for rallying behind Pink Warrior Angels. I feel proud of the relationships I have made through out this process and making friends who have embraced our mission, shared their ideas, and have set off on their own missions in the process. Friends who I feel I have known for a lifetime but really its only been 2 weeks.  I am lucky to know them.  I am lucky to be surrounded by so much support…and though this post may not seem as though I am speechless….there are no perfect words for the love I feel from each and every one of you.  Thank you all for reminding me and showing me there is a world and a life full of so much good.