Dear Breast Cancer...

Well...it all starts today.    I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this month.  I wasn't sure where my emotions would be but anytime I take a moment to process it...I find myself choking up but I also find myself getting very angry.  I have always been aware of what this month was about but its never hit so hard as I believe it will this time around. 

October 27 last year was when I found my tumor.  For me, it's when my journey began.  It's when my fears started to kick in.  Even in that moment when I felt my tumor and my stomach dropped, I still didn't believe in a million years I actually had breast cancer.  I never thought I would be that girl, in my 30's, battling breast cancer, in chemotherapy treatment...bald.  In a few short weeks from finding that tumor I would find out that I actually was that girl.  So for those that have no clue what breast cancer is, or what it does to its victim...please read on...because this is the short story reality of breast cancer. Its not all pink ribbons and bows.   I encourage you to take a minute to really understand what this month is about.  Its for the fighters, the survivors, for those who are just beginning their battle, for the younger generation to become more knowledgeable, for the family members who have lost loved ones, and in honor of all the warriors we have lost.  Please take a moment to say a prayer for us all...because while we will all be doing our best this month to spread awareness...we will also be battling our own personal emotions that surround this reality.

Did you know???

* One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime
* Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women
* Breast cancer is the 2nd leading cause of death in women
* Each year it is estimated that approx. 220,000 women in the United States will be diagnosed with breast cancer and more than 40,000 will die.
* Although breast cancer in men is rare, an estimated 2,150 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and approx. 410 will die each year.
* About 12 percent of women will develop breast cancer at some point in their lifetime...by contrast...if a women carries the BRCA1 mutation that percentage is increased to 55 percent of women and with the BRCA2 mutation 45 percent will develop breast cancer by the age of 70.


At the age of 33, I had a 5% chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer with the BRCA2 mutation - without the mutation - I had a .44% chance.  Breast cancer has changed me forever both physically and mentally.  It made me fear death even more than I ever have before.  Chemotherapy put me in my place and showed me a weakness about me that I never thought existed.  Though most would consider me strong because I survived it...internally...I felt weaker than I had ever felt in my life.  Chemotherapy forced me to look at myself in the mirror at my lowest point.  I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes and weighed 107 pounds.  Breast cancer took my breasts and left me with permanent, physical and emotional, scars. Most people don't understand that a mastectomy is the removal of all breast tissue.. Nothing that is there, is mine anymore. I have these fake boobs that I never asked for, that were not my choice but this is what I am left with.  Some may look at me and think I am superficial with my fake boobs but they have no idea these fake boobs saved my life.   Because I am BRCA2 positive, it will soon take my ovaries as well and put me in to menopause at the age of 36. With menopause comes hot flashes and a higher risk of osteoporosis.  I will never be able to carry my own child because of this.  Sounds horrible doesn't it?  This is what breast cancer is.  It isn't just some disease that you prescribe medicine for and in a period of time it is gone.  It leaves permanent marks, and for me, it will alter my future completely.

So with that being said...and in the spirit of breast cancer awareness month...I will write this...

Dear Breast Cancer,

Fuck you!  I hate you.  I hate you for what you have taken from me. I hate that for the rest of my life, your scar will always be there. I hate that I will never know what it feels like to have a baby grow inside of me because of you.  You are evil.  You've taken far too many lives but you will not take mine. I will make sure that I do everything in my power to bring awareness to how evil and deadly you really are.  I will do everything I can to make sure that young women are aware that they are not immune to you.  You tried to kill me...you tried to destroy me...but you did not succeed.  You may be my enemy but as the saying goes...keep your friends closer, and your enemies closer.  I will make sure that I know you better than I have ever known anyone else.  I will make sure that I educate and empower women to know exactly who and what you are.  I may have looked in the mirror at one point, stripped of my physical features, at my lowest point, but you know what?  I appreciate them all so much more than most people ever would.  So, thank you!  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to inspire women through you.  Thank you for taking me to such a dark place only to shine a light on a purpose for me.  Just like you have left your mark on me...you can be sure as hell that I will leave my mark on you.  I am stronger than you...I have proved that.  You tried to start a war with me and I won.  You have empowered me to empower women to take control of their bodies, to embrace their journeys, and to always be aware what you can do to them.  I can assure you that somewhere along the line...I will save a woman's life because of you,  and I will make another woman's journey easier because I know what you put us through.   You have given me the opportunity in life to help other women, and to save another human beings life through my knowledge and experiences with you. I know what you feel like, I know what you did to me, I know what you've taken from me, but I also know what you've given to me.  For that...I am fortunate...so THANK YOU and FUCK YOU! 

Yours truly,

The beautiful...once bald bitch...who KICKED YOUR ASS!