Several times, I told myself that I was going to start this blog. I even sat down, for hours, typing up random nonsense about my breast cancer. I always knew I wanted my story to serve a purpose that was more than just informing my family and friends of where I was at and how I was feeling. As I am typing with a clearer, chemo free brain, I don’t have one specific reason why I am doing this. I have several. Maybe this blog will save a life, maybe this blog will help another 30 something battling cancer, maybe this blog will touch another woman who is scared to lose her hair, and maybe this blog will just be a place where my family and friends visit to hear more about my journey. I am pretty confident as you read through this, if nothing else, you will take that extra second in the day to appreciate the life you have surrounding you.
For my fellow “pink sisters”, as they call them…I promise to open myself up to you and help you as much as I can with your fight. Chemo is brutal. I don’t care what anyone says. Cancer is brutal…everything about it. The emotions, the fears, the list of endless questions that lack any clear answers, the physical challenges we face, and the loss of any sort of “normalcy”. My life and your life, is forever changed. One thing I hope you will learn from me is that it can be the beginning of an amazing life for you.
For those that know me, you know I have a terrible memory. I can go back to the day I was diagnosed and there is not one detail about that day that I have forgotten. One of the clearer moments in that day was when I walked in to my house after coming home from the doctors office. I turned to my husband and almost fell to my knees while I was screaming “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME”. I cant tell you how many times I asked that question to whomever it was that was listening at the time, even if it was just me and God. I think this is a question that everyone has asked themselves at least one time in their lives. On those bad days when nothing seems to be going right, we throw our hands up, look up at the sky and say WHY ME? You know you’ve done it. That day, when I almost fell to my knees screaming my “why, why whys”, I wanted an answer in that moment. I wanted some magical power to just put a billboard in front of me that said “THIS IS WHY”. The only thing I had in that moment, was my husband. He caught me before my knees hit the floor and pulled me back up and said to me, “I don’t know why this is happening to us, I don’t know”. We cried together not having a clue where this journey would take us. We had no idea what was even going on. Every single minute that went by without an immediate answer to our questions seemed like hours. Answers don’t come at 2AM in the morning when your lying there staring at the ceiling. The only place your going to find them is on the internet, which just leads to more fears and questions.
Though you have never, and may never be diagnosed with cancer you’ve had those moments. This is life. It happens. Ask why all you want, but I can promise you that the answer will never be simple. I am confident, after going through this, that this was always meant to happen. Not “to me” but “for me”. This happened for me to become a better person, for me to enjoy life to its fullest, for me to not live in fear of everything, for me to help other women, for me to “be me” again. Life happens and we lose ourselves. We become so caught up in our day to days that we forget what’s important. None of us will ever become experts at living life. It is an unpredictable journey.
I promise to write about my journey and inspire, encourage, and educate my readers. I promise to answer any questions my readers might have for me. If you are currently in your own fight, I hope that I can help you in any small way that I can. Please ask all of the questions you’d like. Please remember, I am not a doctor or psychologist though. I am only offering you information, advice, encouragement, and inspiration with regards to my own personal experience. If you are a family or friend of someone currently battling cancer, I hope that through my own experiences, I can help you lift them up through their journey. I know, sometimes, its hard to find the right words to say or the right things to do.
For me, my breast cancer was the beginning of a new life for me. 6 months ago, I didn’t know that. It seemed incomprehensible that what was happening would one day make any sense. Even in this moment, it doesn’t make perfect sense. I am still trying to put the pieces together of where it will all take me. I am clear on the idea that I will donate myself to helping other women who are and will face the same challenges I have, and the same challenges I will have going forward. I am clear on the idea that I will encourage women to embrace every single moment of their journey, from that first head shave to that first new hair strand. I am clear on the idea that this life that was given to me is beyond my control. I will forever be grateful for the lessons cancer has taught me. I have been given a second chance to enjoy life with a completely different outlook. I have been blessed with the opportunity to help others – and for that I am thankful.
“I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it”